Well I thought I would be able to "catch up", write about my pregnancy and write about how Kayla died and was born on the same day, but unfortunately life keeps moving forward. And I need to write now, today. I can always go back and write out what I really want to say.
What I want to say right now is that I am exhausted. Being at home for 3 weeks gave me time to grieve and be by myself. Now I am back and work and it is so overwhelming. I'm barely even there, just physically sitting there is hard, and I haven't worked a full 8 hours yet. Walking into the school again was hard. Seeing each person for the first time is hard. Having kids ask me "Ms. Rachel, have you had your baby yet?" is heartbreaking. Not just for me, because I have had 4 weeks (as of yesterday!) to get used to the idea that my baby died. I know each time someone asks me where I've been or about the baby that I have to break their hearts too.
I also just can't trust myself emotionally, I have no idea how certain things will make me react. I am usually a pretty stable person. I am also very competent in my job, so it is driving me crazy to see projects and staff members not doing what they are supposed to, but I definitely don't have the will or the energy to do anything about it.
I'm just going through the motions, and barely. And a few hours away from home leaves me exhausted, sobbing in my car the whole way back from work. I know it will get easier to be out in the world. Even if I feel like I'm faking it, I know I have to go through this to get to the other side. But I'm just drained.
No comments:
Post a Comment