TERATOMA

I’ve been healing.  Physically, I am good.  Emotionally I feel like I’m right where I should be.  Sitting in the sun on my patio with new planted flowers. My sister came, it was good to be cared for and distracted.  Dr. P called me with the autopsy results.  TERATOMA.  A word that both haunts me and comforts me.  And explanation, a reason.  Not “my fault.”  The permanency of this is setting in.  It doesn’t matter that I would have been 35 weeks pregnant today.  It’s just…over.  Almost like it never happened.  Except it did.  It happened to me.  And even if I get pregnant “right away,”  it will still be at least a year before I have a healthy baby in my arms.  I was ready now.  I was going to be a good mom!  Why did this happen?  Even though we now know it was a tumor that started growing even as her first cells were forming, we still don’t understand why. 

I know God has a plan, Deus sabe o que faz, but that doesn’t really comfort me in the moment,  I go back and forth between having moments of intense anger and distrust (in God?), to having moments of peace and knowing that everything is ok.