setting some goals

I am having a little bit better of a day today, aside for a killer sinus headache.  I ended up only having to work a half-day today, which is nice.  Next week we start summer camp so I will have an easier schedule.

Yesterday was up and down.  I am feeling really, really SAD the past couple of days.  I think I need to be selfish and be sad for me.  I'm not so sad for Kayla anymore--she died.  Now I'm sad for me..for all of the things I wanted and now I don't have.  I have to keep living and find a way to be happy.  I think it makes me kind of sad to know that I have to move on. 
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A scene that has repeated itself often since going back to work:  I'm sitting in a classroom, watching a movie with about 4 other staff and about 20 kids, since it was our last day for our afterschool program.  A mom who I hadn't seen yet came to pick up her kids, poking her head in the room.  I make eye contact and smile a little, then look away, and before I know it, she's yelling across the room, "So?"  I ignore her for a second, she repeats herself "So, did you have your baby?"  I stand up, trying to make my way quietly across the room as everyone stares at me.  "Oh, I can tell you already had your baby!"  she says.  I have to find the strength to not just run away, to gently take her aside, tell her that Yes, I had my baby, but she died, accept her hug, tell her that I know I'll be ok, and get through the moment enough to tell them to have a good summer.  I always think later how unfortunate it is that I have kind of gotten used to that whole conversation. 

Anyways today I have been a little more peaceful, and feeling slightly forward-thinking.  I need to set some goals for myself for the next 6 months or a year, goals that do not include having another baby (I do want to get pregnant again, so much so that I'm worried it is going to become an unhealthy obsession.  I need goals that are not related to pregnancy and birth and motherhood.  I have to trust that all of that will come on it's own). 

Right now I can't think in specific terms, but I know I want and NEED to be healthier, so I want to start eating better and working out more, just taking care of myself physically.  I know I wrote before that this is hard for me, especially when my body is so ugly to me right now and not deserving of my care. 

Another goal is to get all the paperwork together to apply for my permanent residency in Brazil.  Our big plans were to have Kayla, finish building our house in Brazil, and then move next April or May when she was almost 1.  Now I'm not sure what we'll do, I would like to have my next baby with the same doctor if possible, but I also realize that we cannot put our other plans on hold indefinitely.  So getting my visa stuff taken care of will be a good step in that other dream. 

My other goal right now is to find something creative to do.  I am getting a lot out of writing so maybe I will just do a little more creative writing stuff, but I also like the idea of doing art, of creating something.  I'm not sure what, yet, but I have been finding inspiration at this project blog.

Ok, so once I wrote them out my goals seem pretty abstract still, but to me they are a little hopeful.  Be healthy.  Keep thinking about the future.  Create something.  I am just hating that my whole life is consumed with grief right now, and I'm kind of missing the old Rachel.