Yesterday at the pool I saw a lady with a stroller coming through the entrance. I can spot a newborn or a big pregnant belly from afar now. I am hyper aware of infants. I stared as the woman found a chair in the shade, not too far from me. I stared even more as she lifted her tiny girl from the stroller, put a sunhat on her, and cradled her. It didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I *have* to see every infant I come across, I nosily turn my head to peer into other people's carseats at Target. I stare. I know it's rude and I might make people uncomfortable. But I have to see them.
She was a sweet, floppy, sleeping infant. As much as I wish that were me with my infant, I am coming to a place of acceptance with what her life was. Seeing that little baby so content and loved helped me articulate some of the metaphysical questions I've been asking lately. Where is Kayla now? Which is more powerful, God or Nature? Why her? Why would God even create a baby if she couldn't live? What do I really believe about life and death, heaven and spirituality?
I don't have any answers and I can't even put my thoughts into the right words, but the questions are there.
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