My husband (nicknamed Fab) and I got married in May 2010, after being together for 3 years. We knew we wanted to try to start our family right away. I found out I was pregnant on October 5, 2010. I took the test at 11 pm after Fab was asleep. I didn't wake him up, I just reveled in the fact that life was forming inside of me and spent the whole night dreaming of our child and wondering how I would be able to wait the nine long months before we would get to meet him or her. I looked at that faint line and felt relief, and fear, and joy. I was going to find a cute way to tell Fab, but as soon as we woke up in the morning I just rolled over and blurted it out. It was a very sweet moment as we realized we were going to be parents!
We didn't tell anyone until after our first doctor's appointment at 8 weeks. Not because we were worried (miscarriage never worried me, let alone stillbirth. Of COURSE we were going to have a healthy baby), but because we liked having the secret, something just the two of us shared. At the doctor's, I wasn't nervous at all. All of the exams, the questions, I knew what I wanted for my body and my baby and had found a wonderful doctor that listened to us. We declined all of the unnecessary tests. They did the ultrasound and I was only measuring 6 weeks even though based on my last period I should have been 8 weeks. I wonder now if that was the first sign that something wasn't right? They also mentioned there was a small chance that it was twins, as there were two blobs on the screen. It wasn't, but after learning more about teratoma tumors, I wonder if there was already a mass of something forming at that time? At the time, everything looked perfect.
I made a surprise video/slideshow to send to my parents to tell them the news. I haven't been able to watch it yet since Kayla died, but it was full of hope and joy and beauty. From the beginning, I kept meditating on words and images of sunshine, radiate, light, glimmer. It all connected when my official due date was moved to June 21st, the summer solstice. This was our sunshine baby!
My pregnancy was really "textbook" and "perfect." I had some morning sickness, exhaustion in the first trimester. I didn't gain too much weight (I'm overweight so that was something I was really concerned about). By the end of November I was announcing my pregnancy on facebook and by Christmas I was out of the first trimester, and had no doubt in my mind that 2011 was going to be the best year of my life. I was so grateful to be pregnant, I read constantly and researched birth options, doulas, childbirth classes, cloth diapering, etc.
In January, I went in for my 18 week ultrasound. I hadn't had one since 8 weeks and I was so nervous and excited to find out if everything was ok and if it was a boy or a girl. I was starting to show, could feel little flutters and kicks, and felt really in tune with my baby. During the sonogram, the lady, Deb, measured everything and everything "looked great." Baby was being stubborn and we almost didn't get to find out the sex that day, but finally she turned and Deb told us it was a girl! We had thought it was a boy, so it took some getting used to, but I was so excited to have a chance to raise a beautiful, smart, creative, fun and loving girl. She was NOT going to be a princess!
In January I stayed home a lot--we had 10 snow days! I had a lot of fear-based dreams, but NEVER about the baby. They were usually like I was stranded in a snow storm, locked in my car kind of dreams. My fears now looking back seem so stupid. Would our daughter feel divided because of her bi-cultural identity? Would our Brazilian friends and family try to make her a princess? Like I said, I never worried about her basic health--everything was perfect.
I craved MILK, eggs. peanut butter, and chicken tikka masala. Baby kicked hard to Brazilian forro music and we joked that she was going to be a great forro dancer. We kept a running list of names we liked but never committed to one. We made a baby registry where Fab. walked around the store and scanned a bunch of unnecessary things and I laughed but secretly loved that he was getting excited too!
In February, when I was 22 weeks, I wrote that I was feeling great, lots of energy and I could really feel baby girl jumping around. By 25 weeks, she was kicking hard enough that Fab. could feel her a couple of times...he would put his hand on my stomach and she would kick hard. I had no IDEA that in just 8 more weeks the tumor would be so big it would stop her heart, but it must have been growing by then.
I got severe carpal tunnel right about 25 weeks, so I stopped writing often because I had no feeling in my fingers and could not hold a pen. But things continued on beautifully. I never got to the point where I felt huge kicks all the time or could see the baby moving from the outside, but since that was how she always was, it was normal for us. The last time I wrote in my pregnancy journal before she died was on April 2nd, when I was 29 weeks. I was in the 3rd trimester! I wrote that it was a perfect day, we had our childbirth class at the hospital and I was LOVING being pregnant. Fab. was so excited and was gearing up to be a great birth coach.
We had 2 weekends of back-to-back baby showers, one here in Kansas and the next in Illinois where my family lives. At the one here in Kansas, I made a bunch of food and decorated our living room and we had tons of Brazilian and American friends over for a BBQ. It was so fun, I was so tired and my feet were swollen, but we still took tons of pictures so we could show Kayla one day. In Illinois, my family did all the work and I had a beautiful shower surrounded by family. We felt so loved and knew this baby was goign to be spoiled and loved by many.
The week after we got back from Illinois is when things started to go horribly wrong, but we wouldn't find out until May 4th. May 1st was spent lovingly putting together all of our baby stuff and celebrating our 1st wedding anniversary. It was one of the happiest days of my life.
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