numbness is wearing off

Yesterday was so hard.  I stayed all the way through work for the first time. I cried in front of a parent I barely know and ended up hiding in the teachers lounge for the last hour.  I thought work would be a good distraction but I don't feel emotionally safe there yet. 

I'm finding that the numbness of losing Kayla is wearing off.  The fog that I was in the first few weeks is gone, and now what is left is a huge emptiness.  This loss is all-encompassing.  I just want my baby, and it is really hard to accept that I will never see her.  Fab. and I are doing ok, but the gaping hole is right here with us all of the time.

I showed Fab. the picture of Kayla's name in the sand.  It is beautiful.  He surprised me by really loving it and immediately wanted to make it his background on his phone.  Just that little request made me realize how much he is still hurting too, he just doesn't share it outwardly all the time or show his emotions by crying.  I hate that he is feeling lost too.  I wish I could have given him his little girl. 

I wonder if there will be a day that I wake up and don't cry?  I'm sure there will be...already I cry much less than I did in the first few days and weeks.  It is so tiring to cry every day.  I can't get over how physically draining this grief is and how I just want it to go away. 

We are STILL waiting for our pictures from Now I Lay me Down to Sleep.  It has been 4.5 weeks!  I really wish we had taken some of our own pictures, then I wouldn't feel so desperate to have the other ones.  I don't think I will ever forget Kayla's face, but it will be nice to have some pictures too.  I know I am setting myself up for disappointment though--counting down until certain things happen.  Like I was kind of excited for our doctor's appointment, but when I left I felt really let down.  I think subconsciously I was expecting some big revelation or answers, I'm not really sure.  But each "thing" that passes I am left with the permanence of death and knowing that nothing will ever bring Kayla back, nothing can restore my joy over being pregnant and my innocence as we looked toward the future.

Going to the doctor, getting pictures back, getting her name written in the sand, even my due date when it comes, will all just be one more day that I have to get through, those things won't change anything or make anything better.  I have nothing to look forward too.