Pregnant friend

My friend who is 25 weeks pregnant came over a few weeks ago to take the crib and some of Kayla's clothes that we offered her. I packed up what was important to me and what I would possibly want to use with a future baby (see, it is so hard to kill off that hope!) The day they carried out the rest of the stuff was really, really hard. I cried a lot. It's not fair, those were supposed to be for MY baby. But I know it was the right thing to do. I know some people keep their nurseries intact for a long time, but it was healing for me to go through all of the things and realize they are just things. I want to turn her nursery into a guest room, so we can use that space. I swore I wouldn't buy ANYTHING for a future baby, as if that could protect me from loss and heartache. Anyways, my friend mentioned how she thought it was good I was keeping a bunch of stuff for my next baby, and that she too wants to have her kids close together. She hasn't even had her first baby and she is planning her second! I know everyone does that but it still felt weird to hear here planning it out while I was standing right there, a huge reminder that things to not always go as we plan them.

My relationship with this friend, Luci, is complicated. We have nothing in common, we are friends because she is like a sister to my husband. I thought I would hate her when I first met her, but we actually get along and respect each other. I thought having babies close together would bring us even closer. I know some of what I am feeling is jealousy, that her baby will be born healthy. But I also can't just ignore her, because she came to the hospital and sat with me and saw Kayla and that means a LOT to me. She is not scared of my grief.

I want to be able to go to her baby shower in a month or so, and even to attend her delivery or visit her newborn in late September. I want to advocate for a natural birth for her and help translate for her. But I'm just not sure if I can do that.

I had a really dark dream a few nights ago, that her baby had died also. Not that I would ever wish this on ANYONE, but I think my dream was representing my jealousy and my pettiness in "wanting to be first."