a little hopeful

I don't want to just write when I am feeling extra sad, or angry.  Today was a pretty "good" day.  I cried in the morning, and again when I was talking to my mom about how I regret not taking pictures of Kayla at the hospital.  But then I went to the pool (alone--I am finding I like doing things more by myself right now), and I didn't cry at all or even get really sad. 

In the afternoon, Fab. and I had unprotected sex for the first time since Kayla died.  We had kind of tried to have sex about 3 weeks after it happened, because we both wanted to.  I was scared because I hadn't been back to the doctor's yet, but we tried.  I cried uncontrollably for about 10 minutes, there were just so many emotions that I couldn't control.  Since we went to the doctor and she okayed sex in general and even unprotected sex if we wanted to "start trying" right away, we had both been wanting too.  But, as life has it, I started bleeding again on that day.  Today it finally felt right--it was nice to be intimate again.  I didn't cry and actually enjoyed it.  I cried afterwards a little as I realized we hadn't used a condom so we were opening the door for a potential pregnancy (even though I'm pretty sure my cycle hasn't regulated yet, I do know it's possible to get pregnant anytime really).  I don't really think I'm ready to get pregnant right away, but at the same time it is all I think about. 

Then tonight we went out to dinner with some good friends of ours, M & J.  J is Fab's best friend from back home and M. came to the hospital the day I delivered Kayla, she was my only friend to actually be there the whole day, and share in my grief and my joy.  I am so greatcoat to the few people that weren't/aren't afraid to grieve with me.  M. and one other friend actually got to see Kayla, to see that she was real and beautiful, and that makes me happy.  Anyways so we had a nice dinner and got ice cream and sat around and enjoyed the beautiful summer night. 

We just got home and I can honestly say that I was, for a second, happy.  A little hopeful, even, that we will have a nice summer, that we will get pregnant again relatively soon, grateful for my friends and my family, just a little bit content.  I will take it, and savor every second.  Even though writing all of this out has made me cry again, I had a glimmer of peace, of knowing that everything is as it should be (even though I don't really understand it, I do accept that what happened is how things should be...I will have to write a bunch about my faith and how it's changing, but not tonight).