just a little lost

My husband deserves to have a fully present, healthy wife.

I know that statement is true, and it is what keeps me from just laying in bed all day.  I don't have other kids to remind me of all the blessings in life and to keep me busy.  I have an empty house, Kayla's nursery is now emptied, all of the baby things neatly packed away or given away.  I don't belong in the same places I did when I was pregnant.  Every store, park, place that I went when I was pregnant had become either a preparation for Kayla or a dream of something we would do together some day.  I don't belong in my body, either.  I hate it and want to punish myself for not growing a healthy baby.  At the same time I realize how sacred my body is and want to nurture it in hopes that someday I may have a healthy child.


I am just really down today, and I know spending it alone, in front of my computer, still in my pajamas at almost 2 pm is not the "healthiest" thing to be doing.  But it's what I'm doing.  And I know that it's ok to have a lost day.

I am irritated with my husband for not grieving the same way that I do.  No matter how many times I tell him I need him to talk about our loss, to acknowledge it, he just can't.  I forgive him for that, but it irritates me.

I'm also irritated at my friends today.  All of them.  All of my wonderful friends who have been so supportive and loving to me, I just am irritated.  Because in my head every single other person that I know has or will have the perfect life, will not have to give birth to a dead baby and in turn lose all of the memories, the hopes and dreams they have.  (Logically I know all of my friends do not have perfect lives but I am trying to put my feelings into words).


I can feel myself wanting to pull away, from my husband and my friends and my family.  And that scares me.  I know I need them, and I don't want to change the essence of who I am or how I live my life.  But I can't fight the grief off either.  I'm just really confused today.