I sit at the computer screen for HOURS, reading blogs and loss websites, searching for experiences and words. I weep, I empathize, I feel validated in that my feelings are "normal." But after I finally look up, eyes aching and back sore from hunching over my laptop, I still don't have any answers. My baby still died. This week somehow feels harder to me than the past few weeks. My grief is cycling back around and I'm re-living every terrible moment of one month ago. I'll be driving and just randomly remember the exact words I said to my best friend when I called her, right after leaving the doctor's office after seeing no heartbeat. And then I'll sob in my car for ten minutes and arrive to work with a red face and runny nose.
While I can find support online or even in person, I have to go through this all alone. And there is no end to this grief. Just because I made it past my post-partum checkup and I will survive through my due date or the first year, etc., doesn't mean that I get to be done with this.
I have been crying every single day since May 4th and I want to just wake up and have one day where I don't cry. But I know I will be sad on that day too, because it will mean that Kayla is that much farther away from me.
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