sad

I keep myself busy all day.  I am getting really good at distracting myself.  I even manage to feel happy sometimes.  Today I only had a few tears while driving to work, then a few more when the Coldplay song "Fix You" came on while I was at the pool.  I had posted that song on my facebook page on my due date as a remembrance of Kayla.  That was the only time I have posted anything about her, except for a short announcement right after we lost her, so that everyone would quit asking me how my pregnancy was going. 

So I was even feeling hopeful and a little settled today, after spending a lot of time outside, and it's Friday!  But once I let myself settle down, relax a little, I just get really, really sad.  I opened up one of her pictures and could barely look at it, because I was crying so hard.  I wish I had my baby here with me.  It is never going to be ok that I don't.  My sadness is just so deep, it's always waiting for me, if I let my guard down just a little bit, it drowns me.