Dr's appointment

We also had my post-partum doctor's appointment this week.  It was also exhausting.  Grief is exhausting.  Fab went with me and I sat in the waiting room with all the big pregnant bellies and played angry birds on my phone.  And I was ok.  As soon as the nurse called my name and looked me in the eye and genuienly asked me if I was ok, I started crying.  She was there the day I found out Kayla had died and I think she was the first person who really looked me in the eye (the CNM and the ultrasound tech were in shock too, or just scared). 

I cried through most of the appointment.  We discussed the autopsy results--the teratoma tumor.  The doctor kept asking me if I had any other questions but I didn't.  The questions I have cannot be answered by any doctor.  WHY ME?  WHY HER?

HOW COULD SHE HAVE BEEN DEAD FOR 4-6 DAYS AND I DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW?  On the autopsy it says her age was "6 days stillborn."  Fuck.  I feel like such a failure for going about my happy pregnant life while my baby was already dead inside of me.  I SWEAR I still felt her turning and rolling and doing her little normal kicks.  (She was never a punch/huge kick baby, now I know that in itself was probably because she had this enormous tumor draining her energy).  I think back now and I can probably pinpoint the exact moment she went into distress and possibly died.  I don't remember what day it was but I was sitting on the couch and I felt a huge movement, like a lurch.  I hadn't felt anything that big in a while and I said something to Fab like 'whoa, baby just turned over in there!'  and then went back to folding laundry or whatever I was doing.  Idiot. 

(I am angry right now, at myself, at the doctor's for not noticing anything on my 18-week ultrasound, and my baby for growing a stupid weird tumor, at God, at all the annoying pregnant women whose babies won't die).

Dr. P. also said we can try to get pregnant again anytime we feel ready.  That gives me some hope, I guess.  Of course I go back and forth between wanting to be pregnant immediately, so then maybe this whole thing will just seem like one reallllly long pregnancy, and wanting to wait a long time because I am terrified.   Dr. P. assured me that we will have happy memories with her to replace all of these horrible ones.  I really like her and respect her and the care I have received, but PLEASE don't guarantee me a healthy baby next time when it's only been four weeks since I lost my baby.  Also, I know you can't really guarantee that ever so don't say that just to try to make me feel better.  Looking around online at pregnancy loss websites and blogs is really helpful for me, but it also opens my eyes even more.  Just because a teratoma tumor is not likely to happen again, there are tons of other problems that could occur.  Pregnancy is not safe. 

But I was relieved to be given the OK for sex, exercise, "normal" life.  And now I don't have to go back to the doctor until October "And maybe you'll be pregnant by then,"  Dr. P  ventured.  I just said maybe, but the part of me that wants a baby really badly allowed myself to feel a little hope when she said that.