social panic

I was determined to go, to be present.  I miss my friends.  A dinner invite was nice.  I went through the motions of getting ready, knowing I was a little tired, scared to see these friends for the first time.  Knew there would be 3 babies there, a 12 month-old, a 10-month-old and a 6-month-old.  And my pregnant friend.  All of them girls.  Kayla was supposed to fit right in there, our little gang of Brazilian (American) girls. 

I really wanted to go.  I want things to be normal.  I want to be able to hug my friends and talk about the summer and play with their kids.  We stopped on the way for Fab. to pick up a check at his co-workers house.  He was in there for maybe 5 minutes, and when he came out, I was sobbing, gasping for air, and knew I could not go to the dinner party.  Maybe it was a panic attack. 

I can't be around the babies, I sobbed as I turned around and we drove back home.  I know he was disappointed, so was I.  I don't want to be this monster who can't leave my house.

You can't be like this, he said quietly.   In the moment, I got mad, saying how he didn't understand, that just to be around a baby or pregnant woman right now is too much for me.  He immediately just held me and let me cry.  Later, I was re-playing the scene in my head, trying to figure out why I got so panicky.  I didn't really come up with any answers, other than I was tired and it was too overwhelming.  But I think that his statement of You can't be like this was more of a plea than an accusation.  Please don't make me call and cancel commitments. Please don't isolate us from our friends.  Please don't be broken and sobbing forever.  

I'm glad I didn't go, it obviously wasn't the right time, but when will it ever feel right?