32 weeks pregnant

This was the last pregnant belly picture I took, at my baby shower on April 23rd.  I was 32 weeks pregnant and I was so happy and so blessed.  I was surrounded by family and friends and we spent the day playing games, eating and imagining how next time we would all see each other, we would have a baby in the family. 

Kayla probably died within the week, and 11 days later I would find out there was no heartbeat.  This is the last picture I have to remind me that she was once healthy and kicking inside of me (except I guess she was never really healthy, because of the tumor, we just believed her to be healthy).  I still can't believe that this happened to me.  Even though I am living through it, struggling every second of every day, there are still moments where I just can't comprehend that something this horrible happened to me. 

This weekend is Father's Day and is my husband's 31st birthday.  It was supposed to be a really special day, I always wondered if she would be born on his birthday.  Instead we are going to go on a little weekend trip, try to entertain each other to pass the time, and yes, count our blessings.  As more time passes, I have been feeling more and more grateful for all of the good things in my life.  Grief has magnified both the good and the bad, everything is more intense now. 

I'm not sure if I'll ever be as happy as I was in that photo ever again, even with all of the deep joys I have in my life right now and am sure to have in the future.  I was just so innocent.