I have no plan

I'm cleaning out all my kitchen cupboards today. Got sidetracked because I pulled down the pink paper plates and colorful "Baby" napkins from my baby shower. It was just enough to make me sad. I stuffed one of the napkins in Kayla's memory box and threw the rest away.  I HATE  that I am becoming "that type of person" that holds on to napkins.  I HATE that when I was in the candle aisle today at the dollar store I looked to see if they had any candles I liked for Kayla's little corner on my dresser.  I don't want to have a shrine.  In my life before loss I would have thought that was creepy.  I should be buying diapers and books, toys, clothes for my baby.  But all I have are these objects that have become very, very meaningful to me.  So I wish I didn't have a shrine, but for now, I kind of do. 

My grief is changing--I'm having less sudden outbursts of tears and more of a deep, empty feeling. I really want something to look forward to--my whole life I have lived from one "big" event to the next... starting college, studying abroad (twice!), grad school, meeting my husband, getting my first real job, getting a dog, getting married, traveling to Brazil, getting pregnant. Now my plan is cracked. After having a healthy baby it was supposed to be  watch her grow up, travel with her, move to Brazil, have more babies, etc. 

I  need to learn how to live in the moment, or I'll drive myself crazy. Our five-year-plan doesn't make sense anymore, because it all revolved around our baby, and our potential future babies.  Now I realize that of course we can't plan anything.  I hate feeling so vulnerable, like I might topple over again at any second,  after I've just barely stood up again after life's horrible blow.  Constantly I am thinking that my husband will get in a car crash and die, that every time I kiss him goodbye in the morning might be the last time I see him.  Or at night, I will put my ear to his chest and hear his heart beating, kind of expecting it to just stop at any second.  Hearts do that sometimes, now I know. 

There has to be some beauty in this, and to some extent there is.  I see the world more clearly now.  The moments of happiness I have are more intense and magnified.  But I want to know what my story will be, where, when, how will I find redemption?  And why do I have to experience all of this pain first?