No matter what language, having to tell people my baby died is one of the hardest things for me to do at this time.
In English, my first language, I am very sure of the words I want to use, and am able to control my emotions more in the moment. I can alter my story for the different kids at my school based on how old they are, tell a more complete version or a simple version. She died, and I'm sad, but I'm ok.
In Portuguese, the language I speak with my husband, my grief has more references to God and spirituality, and I feel most comfortable talking about Kayla in Portuguese, because we had been talking about her in Portuguese for 8 months already. I know all the words I need to use and don't have to think about how to explain what happened. Ela morreu, foi um tumor, estou triste mais sei que algum dia vou estar bem.
In Spanish, which I speak a lot of at work and is my weakest language, I stumble over what I am trying to say. ella nacio muerto. That's about all I can get out before my brain kind of shuts down and I can only cry and let whoever I am talking to hug me and say that it's going to be ok, that they lost a baby too, or that God has a plan for all of us, etc. It's good that Mexican women are very caring, because they just sweep me up for a few moments while I cry, and my brain connects again and I can stumble out some kind of half Portuguese-half Spanish explanation. But they really don't need me to find the perfect words, they can see my grief.
Since coming back to work I have had to explain over and over again what happened. It is exhausting. Kids run up to me and ask if I had my baby, did she die, was she a girl? I have to have some language prepared to deal with these questions. I'll turn a corner and see one of the mom's I haven't seen yet. I know what will happen. Time goes slow motion as I acknowledge her, her face lights up when she sees I'm not pregnant. How is your baby? she will ask excitedly. I will take a deep breath, sigh, say ahhh, you didn't know yet, and then tell her.
My baby died. Ella nacio muerto. Ela morreu.
I really with that wasn't true.
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