Spring

Life is good, spring is starting to lift the gloominess of winter.  But also, spring brings back lots of memories, good and bad, and lots of grief, as I think about being pregnant 3 years ago with Kayla.  But my grief is duller now, it doesn't hurt as much even during the moments I am crying and wishing things were different.  I have healed and moved forward, and what was left behind is a new clarity about what is important in life.  Kayla still shapes every day, I think of her and feel the weight of my history in everyday conversations.

In February,  Livia came down with pneumonia and was hospitalized for three days.  It was a kind of scary time, but not THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN.  The doctors knew what was wrong with her, they knew how to treat it, and she would be fine.  I was able to stay really calm and just focus on getting her better, and I think partially it was because Kayla's death has prepared me for the worst in any situation.  It was stressful to see Livia hooked up to an IV and on oxygen, but she bounced right back and is back to her crazy 19-month-old activities.  Climbing, jumping, running, yelling, and dancing!  She loves to dance and is full of life.

I am able to share Kayla now in a more casual way, sometimes maybe too casually.  Multiple times when Livia was in the hospital nurses or doctors would ask if she had any siblings.  I knew they just needed to know if any other children were in the home, so sometimes I would say no, but a few times I said, we had another daughter who was stillborn, but I must have said it with such confidence that the person did not even respond with oh, I'm sorry, or any kind of sympathy.  This has happened a few times with mommy friends too.  I think I have yo-yo-ed to the other extreme:  where I used to break into tears when mentioning her, now I am able to matter-of-factly talk about her death.  I know it catches people off guard sometimes, just as my extreme grief for the first year after would make them uneasy also.  Her life and death are just part of our story now, not a part that I feel like I have to hide or be ashamed of.

Don't get me wrong, nearly every day I am still so SAD that she died.  The gap between what we got with her and what we missed keeps growing, as Livia grows up, her story and Kayla's parallel in time.  I hope we can keep Kayla's presence real for Livia as she grows up.

In the hospital, playing with the Daniel Tiger App

Back to being silly

2.5 years

This will be our third Christmas without Kayla, our third Christmas as grieving parents.  Our second Christmas with a living baby, and seeing the world through Livia's eyes lately has really been keeping me away from the dark side of grief.  As time goes by, Kayla is more and more a bittersweet memory, a dream I once had, all of my hopes and reams bundled up in her small presence.  She is not living and breathing and here with us to experience life.

In November Kayla would have been two-and-a-half.  As usual, I have suddenly been meeting lots of two-and-a-half year olds,  Big, independent children who can talk and play and venture away from their parents.  Like a sweet little girl who came up to us while we were waiting at an airport last week on our way to Florida, and just walked over to me and gave me a kiss on my cheek.  After her mom came to collect her, we got to talking, and she recently turned two-and-a-half. Little things like that pull me back to Kayla's memory.

I decorated our Christmas tree, putting up memorial ornaments and Livia's footprint ornaments from last year, and a hodge-podge of other gifted or bought ornaments.  It's just the history of our little family.  No one can remove Kayla from that timeline, she will always be a part of our family.

Being on the beach for a few days was incredibly renewing for my soul.  We are doing ok.  Livia is thriving, we are in a good routine of mothering and toddlering, and my husband is back to work after tearing his ACL in August and having knee surgery.  2013 has been a generous, normal year for us.  May will be here before we know it, when we can pack away our winter clothes, air out the house, and remember that three years have already passed.  Time keeps passing.

16 months old

late night

I was up late last night, wanting to write.  But then Livia woke back up and slept restlessly the whole night.  She's teething, she's a toddler, she's not that great of a sleeper to begin with.  But I'm back now, again late at night, glad I still have this space to come and write.  I may not need to write openly about my grief often, but when I do I like having this dedicated space.

I think with all of the reminders that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, I am thinking more about my grief and about Kayla.  It is painful to write this but there are some details that I don't want to think about, last night I was re-playing some of those painful moments in my mind and I kept trying to to QUIT thinking about them.  For maybe the first time ever, I didn't want to think about each detail of learning she had died, of saying goodbye, of going home without my baby.  It was too sad.  Why did my baby have to die? Even though my grief is so different now than it was in the beginning, some of the questions are still the same.

As Livia enters each new stage and learns new things, sometimes I just catch myself thinking "this is what we lost."  I am so happy to have Livia here with me so I30 can experience each new phase and joy and even frustration (because mothering a living child can also be very overwhelming).  But there are times when I still feel bitter, because we should have already known about each of these stages.  We lost everything.  All of it.  Each smile and first food and walking, now these first little words (Livia can say BALL, and then we totally confuse her by saying YES, BOLA so she will learn it in Portuguese too).  Posing with pumpkins and teething and eating sand at the park.  It just...was lost.  A whole lifetime of missing.  Most days, I am ok with that reality.  But lately it's been keeping me up at night. 

Besides all of the October reminders, we have also been considering if and when to "try" for a sibling for Livia.  It seems like as soon as she turned one the whole world started asking us when we are going to have another baby.  While we would LOVE another baby, that question really irritates me when it comes from casual acquaintances or if the person is seeming to forget that I ALREADY have two babies.  I was pregnant for practically two years straight. My first baby DIED.  Pregnancy is not just a light decision for us.   It really makes me mad and sad that my timeline will never add up.  I'll be 30 next May, and I will never ever have three babies before I'm 30, which was my life plan before real life got in the way.  No matter what I will always come up short.  I can only imagine how great it will be to (hopefully) someday see Livia interacting as a big sister, having that bond that only siblings can have, but some days I just tell her, "you should be the little sister."  I wonder if baby loss affects birth order behavior? In my mom's group I hear mom's saying how second babies are always 'easier' etc., but Livia is a first child in that sense.  She is first and second. 

I am trying to delete old emails because I have no more space on my google drive account to store pictures.  I never delete emails so I have almost 15 gb of emails saved up in my g  mail  account.  I used to be the type of person who would type out a quote and save it in my drafts folders. I used to copy song lyrics on little scraps of paper.  I used to save story ideas and dream big dreams.  I missed that person as I was going through emails tonight.  I am not sure how much of that person just changed as I've gotten older, or how much was robbed from grief, from becoming old and grieving at 26 years old.  I know there is still time to dream again, to rebuild some of that creativity, but that innocent and optimistic person doesn't exist anymore.

On Sunday we have a remembrance ceremony at our hospital.  I have just volunteered to read something at the service and I'm so nervous!  In 2011 I stood there and cried the whole time, bewildered that I was standing among a big group of people who know lost babies too.  I was desperate to get pregnant again, which actually happened the next month.  In 2012 I pushed Livia in the stroller and felt so happy to have my baby girl there to honor her sister.  This year I will read something (WHAT?!  What is the perfect poem/quote/passage to summarize my love and devotion to Kayla?  Nothing is good enough!) and hope that Livia doesn't through a fit while I'm standing in front of everyone.


And now...the photo I've been meaning to print out and frame for over two months since Livia is already 14 months old... a year of my baby girl! 

months 10,11,& 12 we couldn't keep a bow on or focus at ALL

moments

Some moments from the past month or so....

• Holding my friends newborn son when he was 12 hours old.  Beautiful.  Even MORE beautiful (to me) was that I felt nothing but joy for her.  My joy is outweighing my sadness these days.  My grief is turning into thoughtfulness and empathy, and even joy. 
  
• My other best friend from high school, her father-in-law was out on a walk and hit by a car.  He died.  So sudden.  Someone just ran off the road and hit him (possibly texting). Your whole life can end in an instant.  His family's lives were changed in that same instant.  It's sad and unexpected, but it doesn't shock me.  Since Kayla died I am hyper aware that tragedy can happen anywhere, anytime, to anyone.  I think most people in the world don't truly realize that.  Sometimes I wish I was still in the "most people" category, but then I wouldn't know what it's like to love someone as deeply as I love Kayla. 
  
•  I went to get a massage in July as a late birthday present to myself. The massage therapist was trying to be friendly and talkative, so she asked me what I like to do for fun.  I had one of those moments when I could not think of one single thing that I like to do FOR ME.  I finally, lamely, said 'umm..reading..?' and when she followed up with 'oh, what kind of books do you like?"  I again couldn't think of anything and couldn't even come up with the last book I'd read.  I moped around for about a week after that, feeling so lost  and like "just a mom."  Do I no longer have any interests?  I finally just finished another book , so there's that.  Otherwise, my interests right now are drinking coffee every morning, having playdates, taking videos of my adorable toddler, etc. I realized later that I don't mind, I don't have to feel lost in my role as a mother.  It's what I want for now.  There will be time later to not be so intensely mothering, like when my babies start school. 
  
• August 15th, my husband bent down at work and his knee completely gave out.  An old soccer injury that just finally tore his ACL.  I've been in caregiver mode since then which is exhausting.  Dr's appointments, MRI, and surgery on Sept 6th, all with a very active Livia who doesn't understand why daddy can't pick her up and play with her the same way he usually does.  Also, my husband and I are not used to spending so much time together, so that's been...interesting!  It's exhausting, and even when I NEED a break, I can't have one, becuase no one else in my house can do anything or take care of themselves. 
  
• Livia has a new love of music!  Last week one of our friends watched her for an hour (ok, so I guess I do get SOME breaks) and taught her this Brazilian kid's song that is super annoying but every Brazilian child is mesmerized by it.  Maybe the equivalent of Dora or Barney here?  Anyways, there is a hand motion in the song where you point out that the baby chick is in the palm of your hand, and Livia loves to do that motion!  It's her own invented sign for "music" and "turn on the YouTube video right this second or I will start screaming."  But it is so adorable that I just keep letting her watch it over, and over, and over.  She shakes her little butt and does the hand motion and it amazes me that she actually understands and can communicate what she wants! 

A first birthday

Livia turned ONE on July 27th.  A whole year of life.  It is such a great milestone for any baby, but especially for babies born after a loss.  She is surviving and thriving.  She has changed my world, shaped my grief into something less sharp and pointy, and allowed me to experience true joy again.  And the best part is, she has no idea!!  She just does her thing, eats and cries and plays and throws things into the toilet when I accidentally leave the lid open. 

I am so glad and deeply grateful (to God, the universe?)  that I have experienced the ups and downs of mother a living child.  I know Livia will never be a replacement for Kayla, but she fills my days with fun and tangible mommy-ness. 

Now I have a toddler! 

eating a cupcake on her bithday!

Brazil Part 2

OK, I have been home from Brazil for 4 months, so I guess I should finish writing out some of my notes. I have a real problem with finishing what I start sometimes. 

In my first post I got through our journey to Brazil and our first day there.  I need to get through all of this before I forget, and I want to always remember Livia's first trip there. 

Feb. 21st, Thursday

  I missed my husband SO MUCH I hate being away from him and it's not fair that I got to hang out with his family for 3 weeks while he was here alone, missing us.  We had a typical Brazilian breakfast of french bread with real butter, guava jelly and espresso.  We also usually had fresh juice like guava or mango that my mother-in-law made in her blender.   I fell in love the with way Brazilians drink their coffee, or at least the way my mother-in-law makes it!  She starts by boiling about 3 cups of water with about 1 cup of sugar, ensuring that the coffee will be really sweet (which is why I love it!)  When it's just at the boiling point, she adds a few scoops of coffee.  Strong, pure, Brazilian coffee, which is why I called it espresso.  You don't pour a big mug full of Brazilian coffee, you drink it in little cups because it is so strong.  After it is really boiling she strains it through a cloth strainer, which is why her coffee is so good--it gets the flavor of years and years of coffee as it passes through the filter.  It's something that can not be re-created outside of a Brazilian kitchen, in my opinion.

After breakfast we walked to the neighborhood grocery store/market to buy stuff for lunch.  Braganca Paulista (the town) is VERY hilly.  I wore Livia in the ring sling and it was a huge workout.  Everything takes a little more time and effort, especially without a car.  I was thinking that maybe I could get used to this kind of lifestyle.  Then something else would happen and I would think I could never adjust.  We are building a house in Brazil, with the intention of someday moving there.  Maybe.  The more time that passes the more comfortable we are in our lives here, the harder it is to pick up and move.  Every immigrant I know always says they are returning home 'next year' and then end up staying ten or twenty more years.  Even though I'm not an immigrant, we have that same kind of mentality.  Who knows if we ever will move there, but in the meantime we are building our house.  My mother-in-laws house is already built, directly behind our house.  Families tend to live closer together in Brazil.  It was great to see the house and how much progress has been made since I was there 3 years ago, when it was just a piece of land with tropical overgrowth.

the progress on our house in Brazil

It was really difficult to not have access to my phone or a computer.  I still carried my phone with me so I could use the calendar, games, and other features.  It was a good thing to be away from technology but it was also boring!

One thing that was really stressful was the carseat situation.  I took Livia's Graco bucket carseat, and it did NOT fit in most Brazilian cars.  It was too long, their backseats do not have as much leg room as American cars.  So a lot of times it would not be level, but I could at least lock it into place.  In my brother-in-laws car, the seatbelt only locks in case of impact, so sometimes it was very unsafe--unleveled and the belt was not in locking position.  I found out when we came back that you can get a lock clip for those kinds of seatbelts, so that was my fault for not researching it ahead of time.  The main obstacle was that in smaller cities and towns the carseat laws in Brazil are not enforced.  People seemed to view carseats as optional, and would encourage me to take Livia out of hers if she was fussing or not bring it at all if we were just going somewhere in town.  It was extremely stressful and if we were riding somewhere when I knew her carseat was not properly secured, all I could think about was that if we got in a wreck and she died, it would definitely be my fault.  I looked in to buying a Brazilian carseat but the ONLY one I saw in the stores in Braganca was over $200.

At night we went to a churrasco (Brazilian barbecue, as in grilled meats, NOT BBQ sauce) at a family friend's house.  I had met most of them when I was in Brazil in 2010, so it was fun.  One of the ladies there had a baby who was born the same day as Livia.  She started telling me her birth story.  She went on and and and on, she really is a nice lady, just very talkative.  Her story was very interesting.  Her water broke a month early while she was out in the country and she didn't know it had broken, just thought she was peeing a lot.  By the time she went to the hospital 3 days later, she had barely any fluid left.  In Brazil, they have a public healthcare system that is free, but a lot of people also have private insurance in order to get better care.  Unfortunately, she didn't have her insurance card with her so her doctor didn't believe her that she had other insurance.  Since she was "just" a public patient he told her "your baby will be stillborn, there is nothing we can do."  A few hours later her husband got there with their insurance information and they rushed her in for an emergency c-section.  Her little boy was just fine!  Now, I really had mixed feelings while listening to her story.  Of course I was glad he was alive, but also jealous, because isn't that every stillbirth mom's dream/fantasy?  That it was all a big mistake and never mind, your baby is ok!  Why coudln't that have happened to Kayla?  I was also so mad that money and class play such a role in medical care (not just in Brazil).  But then, I also realized that maybe she could relate just a little bit to what I felt because she actually was told that her baby was going to die.  After all of that, I did not share with her that I had actually had a child die.  I didn't want it to seem like I was one-upping her with my story, and there was a room full of people in a party atmosphere and it didn't feel like I could give Kayla's story justice in that environment. 

Sao Paulo, Brazil.  Two miracle babies born on the same day. 

Feb 22, 2013

Both Livia and I started getting a cold/allergies a couple days into our trip.  The air was so dry there and we were both coughing a lot.  It was also very hot and not a lot of places had air conditioning.  We took the bus into the center of town and had to walk up a huge hill to get there, with Livia in the ring sling.  There was no way my stroller would have worked with the bus, hills, and no sidewalks.  But, it was worth it to walk around the markets.  I love buying all the fresh fruits and vegetables right from the sellers.  We drank some fresh pinneapple with mint juice, and iced guava juice. 

Everywhere we went Livia got tons of attention, and she loved it!  Brazilians in general really love babies.  My mother in law also started having espresso and cake in the afternoons and really just talking to each other.  We finally got to talk in-depth about Kayla which was nice.  She was kind of quiet when Kayla died, and so I wasn't sure how involved she wanted to be.  But she shared with me that it was just the distance plus her own grief.  A few months after Kayla died, her next door neighbor started hemorraghing at 20 weeks pregnant and eventually lost her baby boy.  My mother-in-law was the one to really take care of her, cook for her, be there in the early days.  She said it felt good to be able to take care of someone else like that since she couldn't be there for us when Kayla died.  That meant a lot and I like hearing stories of how Kayla has changed people's lives. 


Feb 23 & 24th, 2013
Our first weekend there, we went to Pedra Bela, a small town where my sister-in-law's family lives.  It is beautiful to get out of the city and the countryside was really green.  Livia had to be very adaptable, going from place to place, sleeping on air mattresses, fold out beds, etc.  Overall she did great and proved that she is a great traveler.  I liked being around my sister-in-law Juliana's family, they are very open and loving.  We even went out for a "typical" pizza dinner at about 10 pm.  No one thought it was crazy to have the baby out that late!  I also never saw a high chair the whole time we were there, so Livia stayed on my lap. 

The next morning we hiked up the "beautiful rock" (Pedra Bela in Portuguese).  There is some story about a religious experience on the mountainside that no one really explained fully, so there is a church at the top and lots of statues of saints on the way up.  It also is home to one of the longest zip lines in South America (maybe THE longest), at 2 km long.  I did NOT go down the zipline, because that's not what you do in a foreign country when you are your daughters only guardian present.  Also, it was scary looking! 

Making sugar cane juice in the back of his van

sister-in-law w/ Livia, me, Mother-in-law, Juliana's sister

It was a great, busy weekend.  When we got back into town we went straight to another friend's house for a cookout.  By this point in the trip I had decided to be as laid-back as possible and not worry too much about Livia breathing in diesel fumes from the bus, being fed things I would never feed her (she had just barely started some organic fruit back at home), etc.,  I decided it was only three weeks in her life and to just choose my battles, because like I said before, in a foreign culture you come across as the crazy one while everyone else is just doing culturally normal stuff. 

What to write?

I have been absent from this space for awhile now.  I'm just not sure what to say anymore, and how public I want to be with my grief.  But I still read along with everyone else's blogs so I also feel a sense of obligation to continue writing. 

Livia's BIRTHDAY is in one week.  I have been thinking a lot about this time last year.  I had just been given an induction date and I was still so unsure, anxious, worried that I wouldn't get to bring my girl home with me.  Because the only birth experience I'd ever had ended with me coming home to an empty house.  I am so grateful and amazed that not only did I get to bring Livia home, she has thrived and grown and is a healthy, happy almost-toddler.  It really is amazing to me.  What most people take for granted, that their baby will live and grow up, doesn't always seem like a given for me. 

One of the ladies in my mom's group just announced she is 10 weeks pregnant. Her daughter is the same age as Livia.  As "OK" as I am with pregnancy now, , it still bothers me.  10 weeks pregnant is not the time to be announcing it to the world, buying double strollers, etc.  Not for me at least, and I know I have to keep those feelings under control when I'm around people who haven't experienced loss.  At least now my grief is easy to put on hold so I can still act happy and congratulate her and not be completely socially awkward. 

On the other hand, I met another lady who lost her second child 4 months ago, pre-term labor.  We had a nice conversation in the park about our babies who didn't get to stay, and I got to be the one to offer advice and tell her it does get a little easier, and encourage her to be strong during her next pregnancy. 

I have been on a couple of job interviews, so far no job offers.  If I go back to work, it only really makes sense finncially to go back to full-time, with benefits.  That will give our family a little more stability and a little more income (my husband is self-employed so the benefits would really be nice).  But I still don't want to leave Livia.  I'm so happy to have been able to really experience her first year of life with her, with all the ups and downs and joys and frustrations of being a stay at home mom. 

Her party is next week, at a park with lots of friends and family.  Pink ladybugs is the theme.  She is walking now, about 20% of the time, but still prefers crawling.  This next year is going to be one big adventure, I have NO idea what to expect in the toddler stage.  I spent so long preparing for and dreaming about, grieving over the infant and baby stage, that this next chapter is a big unknown. 

My almost one year old!