and it sucks! I am not a member of the special pregnant-ladies club anymore. I miss that--the unwanted advice, people wanting to hear updates on how far along I was, how I was feeling. More than the attention I got from other people, I miss feeling special to myself. I loved being pregnant, I felt so confident in my body and beautiful. Now I'm not a member of the new-moms club either. I'm just cast aside.
It's 2 months today since I delivered Kayla, and I'm just confused. We had a nice 4th of July weekend, traveling 10 hours to two different cities. We kept ourselves so busy, and for the first time since May 4th, I did not cry at all on Sunday. I was so busy and with other people the whole day. I don't like crying in front of other people anymore. I reserve my big cries for when I am home alone or on a walk at night. It felt so bittersweet to realize that I hadn't cried the whole day.
Now that I'm not so sad all the time, other negative emotions are taking over. I am so insanely jealous of everyone I know that is pregnant. I am so mad that time didn't stop for them when it stopped for me. My friend who was only 3 months along when I lost Kayla is now 5 months and showing off her nice round belly. When she was only 3 months I could handle being around her, because she was still in her first trimester and not showing. I think mean thoughts now. How dare my friends post pictures of their babies online? How dare a friend of my husband's post that she is pregnant, thanks to God? I guess I should just stay away from facebook for now.
I think I need to isolate myself this week, for my own emotional health. I am so tired of dealing with this grief and don't want to keep trying to look for ways to heal, to feel better, to find something to make my life worthwhile. It makes me so angry to look at my life and see how similar it is to a year ago, when we hadn't even dreamed of getting pregnant yet. I wanted everything to be different! I wanted to have my baby here with me. More than anything.
It's just a bad day I guess.
Hopefully today is a better day for you. I so miss being part of that special club...and it feels so unfair to not have our babies here with is. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.
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