It has been a busy month for me I had the chemical pregnancy, my friends Fernanda and Beto died in a car wreck, we started another school year and my workload doubled. I had to go back to being a supervisor, working 11 hour days and being accountable to a lot of people. I am exhausted. I will be glad when the calendar rolls over into September.
September--the month that we conceived Kayla last year. Was the last year real? I know that it was, but sometimes I can kind of pretend like it wasn't. It seems like the talk at work has been turning more and more to babies. Yesterday we were talking about epidurals. I could actually join in. Then abruptly, I couldn't. Not because I was upset, but because one of my staff members said something like "You'll see what we're talking about someday Jackie (a girl who doesn't have any kids), and you too, Rachel." She wasn't trying to negate my experience, I think she just honestly doesn't realize that I STILL HAD TO BIRTH MY BABY.
Small awkward experiences like that are the norm for me now. I can usually just let them roll off my back, but then the small experiences build up and build up until I need to acknowledge them or cry about them. The four year old who asked me if I had my baby yet, and when I told him that I don't have a baby he replied "yeah, cause she's dead." It felt callous, even from a 4-year old. Or the 3rd grader who was looking all confused and asked me if I was still pregnant. When I said no, she looked even more confused and said "oh, so you had your baby?" I said "kind of." I think she remembered then. Or the old lady teacher who happily asked me "any babies yet?" WHAT? No, it's only been 3 months and I am not pregnant yet. And when I do get pregnant, I'm not telling you!
Tomorrow I have to get up in front of all of our students and parents at our open house and translate the welcome speech. I am so nervous to stand up in front of so many people. I don't want to put myself on display for everyone to whisper about. And since I haven't lost any of this dumb baby weight, I still kind of look pregnant at times. Oh well
I am just really ready for this month to be over, and for a long weekend.
Rachel - you are incredibly strong. That comment would have been more than I could have handled and I guarantee I would have snapped at her. I'm so sorry she said that to you. It has my blood boiling.
ReplyDeleteYou will do great today because that is who you are. A fighter. It's who we all are now. And I agree...the little comments are enough to make you want to slap people (and I am not a violent person!). It's a year for us since we conceived, too. And Labor Day was when we told our families. Was this last year real?? I guess in some ways, I would not trade the memories for anything.
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