This is one of my favorite pictures that we got with Kayla.  I'm exhausted after working 12 hour days the last couple of days, and thinking about more long days in the next few weeks.  When I work too much, I feel disconnected from my grief and the little things I need to do to keep it under control.  Listening to my "kayla playlist,"  checking on my blogs, reading about loss, etc., all seem to help me.  When I don't have time for them, my negative emotions build up and leave me feeling numb and bewildered like I did in the early weeks. 

So my goal for this school year is to recognize when I'm reaching that point, and force myself to stop what I'm doing and take care of my grief. 

I had a long conversation with my teacher-friend who is about to have her baby.  She fell at school yesterday and I was so worried for her.  She went to the doctor and she is fine, baby is fine.  Her baby will be born healthy.  I was fine while I was talking to her but on the way home I just started thinking how UNFAIR it is.  I don't think that "why me" feeling will ever go away.  I know it will be hard for me to be around her baby, she is white and her husband is black so their baby will probably have similar skin coloring as Kayla.  But I don't want to avoid her either. .


There's really no point to this post, I just needed to write a little bit tonight.