Last night, an impromptu birthday dinner for a friend. Brazilians somehow manage to create a party, with little notice. They bring food, drinks, babies and endless conversation. I was tired, but I went. And I had a good time. I felt like I belonged again.
I played with the little crew of baby girls, who are so much fun and who are all walking or learning to walk. I sat and caressed Luci's pregnant belly and talked to her about her induction date in three weeks. I wasn't overwhelminly jealous. I ate and sang happy birthday and laughed and danced and clapped along to the Brazilian music playing in the background. I was in the middle of the action, and I was so aware of the missing piece (Kayla), that it did bring a few random tears. Kayla was supposed to be the next baby playing on the rug while all the adults look on and laugh, but she's not here.
BUT, I was a part of it again. To come back up from my underwater world almost four months later and to find that my friends have not abandoned me makes me cry, but these are tears of gratitude and happiness. We all talked a lot about our friend Fernanda who died last week, and it felt like we grew a little closer. It was a moment of feeling like I'm part of humanity, and that the world is generally a good place, despite this horrible thing that happened to me. People will come in and out of my life, even people really important to me. Distance, death, or even just time will separate me from people that I love. I'm not really trying to come to any big conclusions here, just want to remember it as a good night, surrounded by people who care about me.
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