just some random thoughts

I'm trying not to only write about negative things all the time.  But the past few days have really hit me hard.  I am so good at pretending everything is ok.  And on the surface, everything IS ok, we are back to normal.  That is really a beautiful thing, too.  In four months, we have rebuilt our entire lives and I'm kind of proud that our new lives pretty closely resemble our old lives.  It means we are strong and haven't fallen apart, and that we have some true friends and family that were/are willing to stick with us through this.  

But that is the tragic thing too.  Everything is the same.  And I get so angry that my life is once again filled with little details of work, daily life, other people's problems.  In the first days after Kayla died, I promised her and myself that I would live more intentionally.  In some ways I am doing that, but in other ways not at all.  I want my life to be filled with all of the big things like love, spirituality, art, laughter.  But a lot of my time is taken up by unimportant details.  That's when my grief builds up speed and comes crashing into me. 

Yesterday was just one of those days---I woke up to my period starting, which means another month gone by that I am not pregnant, another little bit of hope chiseled away.  From there it seemed like I just kept seeing newborns, pregnant ladies, etc.  One of the mom's at my school walked by my office and I glanced up to say hi and saw she had her baby with her.  She was due June 15th, I was due June 21st.  I've seen her baby before, but yesterday it just really got to me when I saw her sweet little girl sleeping in her arms.  I miss her.  That's never going to change.  Then I went to lunch with my work friend (who is pregnant), which usually is a nice break for me, but yesterday I had to fake it. 

Thankfully it is a laid-back, long weekend.  I am trying to do all of the intentional things that usually make me feel a little more in control.  I am also participating in the Illuminate photography class this month.  Working on the first assignment has let a lot of emotions loose.  Monday will be Kayla's 4 month anniversary, and I guess that has me more emotional than usual.  And that's ok...I needed a good cry.