back to school--harder than I thought

I'm not sure how I'm feeling.  Restless.  Anxious.  This week I've found myself crying without even realizing it.  I'm off in a space inside my head, when I realize that tears are running down my face. 

Now that I'm back to my familiar work environment,  (my school versus the summer camp I had been doing) I'm seeing all of these people who remind me of when I was pregnant and those first few numb weeks after I returned to work.  A few people have really made the effort to come find me, make sure I am ok.  I appreciate that so much! It is usually people who I never would have expected to reach out to me, either.  One teacher cornered me and hugged me and stared into my eyes without looking away and really wanted to know how I am doing.  She wanted to hear details about how I am dealing with the grief, and even though I started crying and she apologized, it was the nicest exchange I've had in awhile. 

While I was enrolling a 4th grader in my afterschool program, she looked at me and said "I told my mom about your baby."  It was so sweet and I'm glad my students have not forgotten.  I just said "thank you." 

Another teacher found me in the copy room and told me she was sorry for not coming to see me when I first came back to work, that she just couldn't find the right words to come say to me.  It really reinforced that it is never too late to acknowledge someone's grief.  It still meant a lot to me 3 months later. 


  From my office I hear chatter from the front office.  "Only five more weeks to go!"  exclaims my pregnant teacher-friend.  She always came to me about advice on pregnancy and being pregnant together made us closer.  Now I am so awkward around her, even though I can tell she is trying really hard not to flaunt her pregnancy.  She is more pregnant/farther along now than I ever was with Kayla. 

That makes me sad, the way life keeps pushing forward.  I feel like I am trying to go backwards, to cling to my memory of being pregnant and being happy.  These last few weeks have been tough.  I'm regressing. I'm crying more than I was last month, and especially today, I was just SAD.   I do know that if I wait it out long enough, I will feel like I'm making "progress" again.

But what am I progressing towards?  What is my goal?  Last month I would do my journaling, my grief reading, my long walks, and feel like I was moving towards a goal of being healthy, being emotionally strong, being ready for a new pregnancy.  And then, I got pregnant!  And now with this new loss, I am not sure what my goal is or should be.  I still would like to have a baby, but I am just not excited about getting pregnant anytime soon.  Any other goals just seem unimportant when compared with the ugly fact that my baby died.  I can't pretend to care that much about other goals. 

Work is a great distraction.  I have to focus on other people's problems when I am working.  But I don't want to be distracted.  I want to be happy.  I'm just not sure how to do that right now.