a birthday party

 I was in a good emotional state yesterday so I finally went to a big Brazilian party.  It was a 1st-birthday party for one of the little girls in our social circle.  I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen before, and everyone hugged me and it was fine. I saw two different pregnant friends, including Luci, who I have been so jealous of lately.  Yesterday my jealousy was lifted and I was able to talk to her about her pregnancy.  

I know I was being awkward though and finally my friend Preta called me over to sit by her.  She had come by our house the day we got home from the hospital and asked to see Kayla's footprints.  When I sat down by her yesterday the first thing she asked me was if we got our pictures back and if she could see them.  I was so touched, she is the first person aside from my family that has asked to see Kayla's pictures. 

 While I was still talking with her and letting her "mother" me a little, a woman walked in and came over to say hi.  I had only met her once at a party, when I was about 6 months pregnant.  I wasn't sure if she would remember me.  So I was kind of shocked and horrified when she made a motion like she was rocking a baby and said "so, where's the baby?"  I really hate those moments--I just looked at her and said "she died" and started crying.  Luckily Preta was there to kind of fill in the details and smooth things over.  After I stopped crying, I gave my usual spiel about how I really am "ok" now,  she had a tumor so we are glad that she didn't suffer, I'm sorry that I cried, it's just hard the first time I see people, don't feel bad for asking, you just didn't know, yes God has a plan, we have a good support system, etc. etc. 

 Once I actually cry or breakdown in front of someone, I feel an urgent need to convince them that I am "ok."  Unfortunately it's up to me now to break the news to people, or apologize, or console, or be forgiving.  It's up to me to set the tone in all of my interactions.  It doesn't seem fair that I have to do this, but if I want to interact with my friends, that's what I have to do. 

Maybe I do this because I HAVE been feeling kind of peaceful lately, kind of "ok."  The trauma of what happened to me has worn off.  I am still really sad and wish I had gotten the chance to know my little girl as a healthy baby, toddler, child, and adult. 

When it was time to sing happy birthday I stood at the back.  As soon as my friend picked up her baby and stood by the cake, I got a lump in my throat.  This time it wasn't jealousy, just sadness and longing for what I will never have with Kayla.