that fantasy did not come true

Finally got my period last week. 

The fantasy of being able to say "I got pregnant again right after my stillbirth" did not come true. (And what kind of messed up craziness is my mind when THAT was my fantasy for a few weeks???)

And it's ok.  Of course I still want more than anything to be a mom in the real, physical sense of motherhood and not in the baby loss mom sense, but some of that crazy, hormonal drive to just be pregnant has subsided.  I would be really happy to get pregnant but I am also settling into my new life and thinking toward the immediate future that does not necessarily include a pregnancy.  I see how valuable this time is for me to be able to just focus on me for awhile. 

I started the "One Year Book of Hope" by Nancy Guthrie, and I've only read the first few pages.  But one thing that stuck out was that I have to give the future of my family over to God.  I am still working things out with my faith after this loss, and it feels kind of fake or superficial when I write about it--I'm just not ready yet.  I'm taking baby steps with my faith.

But to just stop stressing about whether we'll get pregnant again, or when, or if I'm going to ovulate, or all of the other millions of mysteries and questions that I have about pregnancy and motherhood--that is something I can agree to do.  Or at least try to do.