All of your babies are in there

I almost forgot to write about this.  I just remembered it and it cheered me up a little from the sucky week I've been having. 

Our first week of summer camp, I was still kind of in a grief daze.  It was 7 weeks after my stillbirth, and I had been through a whirlwind week and a half back at my regular school. All of a sudden I was thrust into a new summer camp, with different kids.  It has turned out to be a great distraction--none of these kids knew I was ever pregnant! 

The first day I was just trying to get to know my kids, 23 kids ranging from 3-5 years old. All of them live in or near the housing projects and are low-income urban youth.  I really enjoy my job because I get to directly impact their lives every day.  But having worked in this field for 3 years now, I know they always impact my life too.  Antoine, a little tiny boy who tries to act tough but cries on a daily basis because he is so sensitive, was hanging around me and pulling on my arms, my shirt, and eventually started patting my belly.  I've always had a round belly that kids like to pat, and I loved it when my after-school kids would pat Kayla in my belly, but since she died I had been closely guarding my personal space. 

Not knowing any better, he started poking at my (flabby) belly.  He grinned up at me and asked "you gotta baby in there?"  I just shrugged him off and said no, and it didn't make me too sad, I was just stating the facts.  He grinned even harder, looked right at me and said "you got ALL your babies in there!!"  He was so delighted, and the way he said it made me smile. 

I kind of think of that now sometimes when I'm sad, that all my babies are within me. It doesn't matter how much time I get them for or how long it takes for me to get pregnant again, I already have all my babies in here with me. 

Being with all my preschoolers this summer has been good therapy.