This might be a little graphic, but I still need to process more about the tumor. I found this model of a teratoma. I saved it because that is exactly how Kayla was positoned. I always thought her butt was right up against my ribs on my right side, there was a visible extra bump there, we thought she was diagonal. Now I know that bump was her tumor, so I spent weeks lovingly caressing this thing. Yuck.
I didn't see her tumor with my own eyes, and that has been bothering me lately. I never took off the blanket to look at all of her. At that time we didn't even know it was a tumor. Now I find it hard to believe that no one said the word tumor to me that day, and that even though she came out of my body, I never saw her completely. The nurse just said that it looked like she had "some anomalies." While I was holding her I remember looking at her face thinking, what anomolies? Later, I think I asked the nurse what was wrong with her and she just said that something in her abdomen was not forming right. I was just in so much shock I wasn't processing information in a normal way.
Some of the pictures I've seen while googling about teratomas are pretty horrible. But at least they give me an idea of what it looked like. For some reason I am obsessing over the fact that I didn't see it, I might even call the hospital to see if they took pictures of it for the autopsy, and if I can have them. I know it doesn't really matter, but it is one of my regrets.
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