Jealousy

Today I was so incredibly jealous.  I have never felt jealousy this strongly before.  It was my friend Luci's baby shower.  Brazilian baby showers are all day BBQ events that last well into the night.  I know my husband really wanted to go, to see all of his friends.  But I just couldn't do it, and I know it was the right thing for ME.  I was kind of mad too because she didn't call and personally invite me, she called my husband instead.  I know she was just trying to protect me probably.  For some reason I am putting a lot of my negative emotions into being mad/jealous at Luci.  I guess for still being pregnant, for acting happy about being pregnant.  She is not throwing it in my face, but that's how it feels sometimes.  I realized I am dreading the day she actually gives birth, and into the future.  How will her daughter not remind me in greater and greater ways just how much I am missing out on? 

The whole day I just kept torturing myself, thinking about everyone at her house having a great time, and how just a few months ago everyone was at my house celebrating Kayla's upcoming arrival.  And how even if I went, everyone would feel awkward because who really wants the sad ex-pregnant lady at a baby shower?  I was just agonizing over it all day.  Now that it's passed, it is ok again.  And my husband did not "betray" me once today by even hinting that he wanted to go or that I should 'get over it' and go either.  He took me to the movies and later grilled out in our backyard for just the two of us.  I really do love him! 

It just got me thinking...is this "embracing my grief?"  All of the books I'm reading and everyone who has been here before keeps telling me there is no way around this pain, just through it.  In the first weeks it was easy to know how I needed to grieve...I needed to cry and yell and bargain with God and just be intensely sad.  Nowadays it is not so easy to know what I need.  What does it mean to embrace my grief at 10 weeks?  Today it looked like jealousy, horrible jealousy, googling grief counselors and bookmarking their websites just in case, and a long walk with my dog.