Today I was angry. It's subsided by now. But I wanted to break something, to rage back at the world, do something reckless. Yell. (Which I kind of did to my temporary supervisor at work, who I really dislike).
I'm kind of proud of myself though, because I didn't do any of those things. I went to the gym instead. And I felt a little better, but I was still mad at the world.
My grief is kind of like a person, it has its own personality. Instead of a baby I got this ugly fat grief. Its so unpredictable and its getting in the way of me living my life. I was thinking about a bunch of work stuff, and how I want to start English classes in the community I work in. My next thought was oh, I don't know if that will be too much for me, to take on a big project this fall. I had to consider how my grief would react to something like that. It's always here with me, following me around, tripping over other people in my life. It's such a real presence.
Thanks for this post - I can relate so much to so many parts of it including the anger and that grief is a person, etc. I can feel your anger so much and the nights are usually the hardest for me. I rage against all of our friends who are birthing healthy babies and I rage against this life that is so complicated now. But I'm "kind of proud of myself" too when I get through it. Because that is the point, right, not to ignore it or go around it, but to walk straight into the storm and face it.
ReplyDeletePeople are reading along, following your journey, even if the comments aren't always there. You are not alone.
Grace and gentleness to you and your husband.
JOsh