round and round

Just when I thought I had made my peace with the tumor that caused Kayla to die, I find myself once again searching and searching, reading medical articles and scanning for information. 

I've realized that although I know HOW she died, I don't know WHY.  There is no "why" that can explain why my first baby was growing perfectly until 33 weeks and then just died, even though there IS a medical explanation for why her heart stopped.  I will never know WHY anymore than I will understand why life itself exists.  The WHY of Kayla's death  (and any baby dying, really) is so beyond my understanding, that I have to learn how to accept the HOW. 

What goes around and around in my head usually looks something like this: 
-She had a tumor, we know how she died.  
-I wish they had seen the tumor at my 18-week ultrasound.  
-But then what would we have done?  Most of the articles I've read seem to indicate either terminating the pregnancy or doing risky fetal surgery when a teratoma tumor is found on the ultrasound.
-If she just would have been born alive, they could have done surgery. A lot of babies born with teratoma tumors go on to lead normal lives after removing the tumor. 
-I wouldn't have terminated the pregnancy. 
-Why couldn't I have just miscarried in the first few weeks if this had to happen anyways?
-But then I would have never known Kayla, seen her sweet face, held her.
-I wish she didn't have the tumor.
-But she did.
-I wish she wouldn't have died.  
-But she did.
-Why?
-She had a tumor that caused her heart to stop.

And that takes me right back to the beginning of the circle.  Variations of these thoughts are constantly running through my mind.  I think I am just trying to make sense of something so horrible.  There is no way to make sense of it.