If only I hadn't posted on facebook 3 weeks before your death, "30 weeks down, only 10 more to go!"
Maybe if I hadn't sent my mom a "Grandma to bee" coffee mug with a bumble-bee on it for Mother's Day, that she would get after you died.
Maybe if I hadn't had two baby showers and then assembled every single thing we got the weekend before you died (actually you were already dead, but I didn't realize it yet). We were just so excited.
If I hadn't ripped off the tags from every piece of clothing we had bought or received, and put them in the washing machine (my mom would dry them and fold them up while I was at the hospital in labor).
Maybe if I hadn't already informed work when my last day would be, a full 11 days before your due date, because I was *sure* you would come early.
Or if I hadn't recorded every episode of "A Baby Story" on tv (that I would later have to go through and delete).
Maybe if I hadn't been worried about how much hair you would have, or if you would feel divided because of being bi-cultural or bi-racial, or if I would have a natural birth. Maybe if I had worried a little more about your basic safety, your life.
Maybe if I had done something differently, you would have lived. I KNOW that's not true, because I would have given everything for you to live, but it's all those little memories that break my heart over and over again.
This probably won't help- but I feel so horribly guilty that connors nursery wasn't completely set up, that the clothes weren't washed, that the special coming home outfit hadnt been purchased, and so on. I think all those memories show how much you loved your daughter and hopefully one day you can cherish them. Kayla knows how much she was loved...
ReplyDeleteOh Rachel. I felt the same way and still do sometimes. Those feelings just make you feel worse. There is nothing any of us could have done or else we would have done it. Keep taking care of you, swimming, relaxing, reading, working out...and then try to think of the happy moments of your pregnancy. At least that is what I try to do!
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