My husband's grief

A few weeks ago we were able to have a short conversation about our grief.  We hadn't really been talking about it much lately,  he wants me to "be normal."   I know he is sad but he doesn't want to express it verbally.  I worry that he is avoiding it so much that one day he will just explode from pent up emotions.  But I know he is working it out in his own way. 

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When we sat down together to look at the pictures we got, he clicked through them all without saying anything.  He looked at them all 4 or 5 times.  I didn't say anything because I wanted him to be able to experience them in his own way.  Looking at the pictures finally gave us the crack we needed to open up the conversation.  We just held each other and talked for awhile. I cried a lot, he didn't cry, but was able to express that he is really sad.  Of course I already knew that but it helps me to hear it, even though it breaks my heart. 

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When we were back visiting my family, my parents and sister asked to see Kayla's slideshow and I agreed.  My husband literally jumped off the couch and hustled to the back bedroom.  I went back to see if he was ok, and he was just laying there so sad.  He said he couldn't watch the slideshow with us because it makes him too sad.

Even though the last thing I want to see in the world is my sweet, caring husband sad, but it gives me a sense of validation when he shares a little bit with me.  It makes me feel less crazy. 

I have been trying to share more with him too.  Like if I'm having a good day, or if I saw something that reminded me of Kayla.  I want us to be able to talk about her more to each other.

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We had a huge fight one Saturday.  He went fishing and stayed out on the boat until 4 a.m.  At midnight I started calling him, almost hysterical because I was so worried he wasn't coming home.  We fought, me saying that he didn't care about me and him saying I want to control him.  We made up later, when I realized it was his rebellion, his recklessness in his grief.  I don't want to trap him here in my grief all the time either. 

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"I thought you said you were better," he said to me.  Not in an accusing way, just curious.  It was just a bad day, where I wanted to lay on the couch and do nothing.  I was tearing up a little, and he couldn't understand why, when just yesterday I had told him how peaceful I was, how I had been feeling hopeful. 

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Driving home from Best Buy, I jokingly said that maybe someday we will have to buy a mini-van for all of our children.  (Because right now I see no way I could ever prevent a pregnancy again through birth control, so I will take any and all children God/the universe wants to give me).  This was the first time we had joked/dreamt like that, about future children and being happy.    It reminded us of how we used to talk, when  we were newly married and deciding that we wanted to start our family.  I think it was an important step in our grief together.  I don't feel so alienated from my husband lately, even as I am feeling more confused about my own grief.  We are going to make it.  We are going to love each other as much as we can and that has to be enough.