vulnerable

I've been feeling so vulnerable lately.  I just can't shake the feeling that everything is going "too well" and that something bad is about to happen. 

The Capture Your Grief challenge is proving to be very challenging for me.  It was/is good for me to focus on my grief, but it was becoming more like something I had to do, and I began to question why I was doing it in the first place.  My grief should be about me, and Kayla.  I don't want to feel like I am grieving for anyone else, including for my blog audience.  I started this blog as a way I could just get my feelings out, that's how I want to keep it. I do want to keep blogging, because it's my only writing outlet at the moment.   I do want to catch up and eventually finish with the photos, because it has been good on many levels.  It just all started catching up with me around October 15th and I was starting to feel like I wasn't being authentic.  I mean, it's great to have a special day and month to remember our babies, but I do that every day.  I can't make myself feel a certain way on certain days just because I"m 'supposed' to feel that way.

We did go to the balloon release my hospital puts on every year.  Last year I was so nervous about going, and so emotional, it was horrible.  This year I was actually kind of excited to go, to see some people that I know and of course show off Livia, and to spend some time in the park with my family, Kayla included.  It's amazing what a difference a year makes, my life is so different this year. 

In the midst of all of these grief dilemmas/issues, I quit my job.  For real, finally.  I'm officially a stay at home mom.  It's exactly what and where I want to be at this moment, but it has left me feeling very vulnerable as well.  I kept hesitating, then feeling guilty for hesitating (Because I WANT to be home, and I want to spend every moment possible with Livia, in case she dies).  But I did it, and I left on a good note, with a personal email from our company president saying they would love to re-hire me in the future.  It's scary to be without a second income, and we lost some health insurance benefits, but overall I am really excited to settle into a routine at home. 

I hate feeling so vulnerable but some of that has dissipated a little as this week went on.  I think maybe I was just getting worked up about October 15th and feeling pressured to do all of these things to remember Kayla. 


On a different note, Livia is doing great.  She'll be 3 months old on the 27th and has quite the personality.  I realized, happily, a few days ago that I am parenting her exactly the way I want to, the way I always dreamed of parenting my babies.   I am confident in my parenting, and love knowing that we are doing the best things for our family.  I wasn't sure if I would be a confident parent after losing Kayla, so I'm glad that I can still trust my instincts on some things.  We are breastfeeding on demand, cloth diapering, and just this week we attached Livia's crib to our bed (sidecar) and she is transitioning from sleeping riiiiight next to me, to about 6 inches away "in" her crib.  It's a great set up for us.  (Also, I could care less if those things don't work for you, I am not saying these are the only ways to do things, but they are working for ME!)

I'm loving this set-up because I can stretch out BUT I don't have to get out of bed when she wakes up at night to nurse

 I mean, it's exhausting too of course.  I get frustrated, and tired of being the only one who can really comfort her.  I would love for her to take a bottle every now and then so my husband can feed her.  She used to drink out of a bottle, but now she just pushes her tongue out and gives me the cutest look, like WTF mom.  We joined a playgroup. We take walks almost every day.   I know everything that happens to her during the day and I'm so grateful for that. 

the cutest baby ever!