just thinking

I had such a cleansing cry on the way to work yesterday.  I was listening to christian music, thinking about how I have no other choice but to trust the rest of my life to God's plan.  I had been having a hard week at work and was just basically feeling sorry for myself.  Why did my daughter die?  What did I do to deserve this? 

 

 But I figured out...we are not guarenteed a stable life here,  just like there is no guarentee that my heart will keep beating today or tomorrow.  So we just have to live, trust in THE PLAN (which is not OUR plan), and be grateful.  I was overwhelmed with such a sense of gratefulness about my life that I started sobbing as I exited the highway.  It isn't always that clear for me--often I fall into the "why isn't anything EASY?"  category.  I have my pity-party and feel sorry for myself. 

 

 But always, there is that moment where I realize how truly blessed my life is.  It is full of the good things, things that matter and have substance.  That is how I want to live my life, in gratefulness, and that is what I want to teach my child(ren).  That we get to decide how to stand up to life's challenges, what kind of person we are going to be.  

 

But in those moments of clarity and deep, complete gratefulness, I also miss Kayla.  I miss her more than I can put in to words or describe, but I understand why people often try to describe it as a physical hole or piece of them missing.   I can't get past that I will never get any more time with her, I will never see my two girls together, and we will always have to explain why our family is incomplete.