10 months (yesterday) without her. Of missing her. It wasn't an especially bad or good day, just a normal day. I played kickball outside afterschool with the students in my program. I breathed in the spring-like air. I thought of her, like every day. Looked at her pictures on a shelf in our bedroom. Felt her urn, cool and unchanging. It was just another day, but I still feel the need to mark time, to acknowledge that I thought I would have a 10 month old.
I am doing ok, better than I ever could have imagined 10 months ago. I thought I would never feel happy again, or hopeful, or like the person that I was without her. I'm still trying to figure out exactly who I am, how her story fits into mine.
I don't think I will ever feel complete without my first daughter, but I know I won't always feel this lost either. I just miss her, every single day.
Thinking of you, Rachel. Glad the day was a peaceful one for you.
ReplyDeleteGlad this 10 month mark went easy on you, so hard to know, which days will "get us".
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