oh, we're halfway there (livin' on a prayer)

I've had Bon-Jovi's song "Livin on a Prayer" stuck in my head for the past few days.  Obvious, I know.  I'm halfway through a "normal" pregnancy, 20 weeks yesterday. 

Physically:  Feeling baby pretty consistently, multiple times a day. My carpal tunnel is very bad and very annoying, but I started seeing a chiropractor last week.  I really like it, and I think it will help prepare my body for labor again.  Sleeping ok lately, with lots of pillows.  I've been hungry a lot and really THIRSTY.  I hope baby is growing normally.  I feel really pregnant and have switched over to all maternity clothes, but my baby belly isn't THAT noticeable to other people (my normal fat kind of covers it up still). 


Emotionally: On Friday, I was convinced this baby had died (even though I could hear the heartbeat on my doppler).  I think passing the 20 week mark and knowing I could have a second stillbirth is really playing tricks on my emotions.  Also, more people in my real life know I'm pregnant now, and most of them act like I should just be a happy, normal pregnant person.  This is so hard to deal with. 

I spent time with 2 babies this week, a 6 month old and a 4 month old.  They are so cute. And so alive.  I just can't imagine Kayla like that, she's frozen in my mind as a perfect newborn. 

Looking forward to: My level 2 ultrasound on Tuesday.  I am terrified of it but also just want to get it over with.  I may be repeating myself but I need to know what problems we are dealing with.  Hopefully none.  We will also confirm if it's a girl like they thought at my 17 week ultrasound. 

Other: My sister's baby shower weekend was tough.  Now she's been in the hospital this weekend with contractions (she's 33 weeks, which is when I lost Kayla).  I'm hoping they can stop her contractions and she can keep the babies in for a few more weeks. 

I'm also forcing myself to walk around the baby section at every store I go into.  I haven't really bought anything, except for a few clothes at a consignment sale I went to.  But I need to desensitize myself to baby things and this is the first step towards being able to prepare for this baby.  I really want this baby to come home with me!!!

Craving:  Decaf Vanilla Lattes--Iced, from Starbucks!!