**I had a major freakout yesterday, it wasn't just fear but I felt like I was no longer pregnant. I hadn't felt much movement and just felt like something was wrong. It was horrible, and everything was lining up exactly the same as the day we found out Kayla's heart was no longer beating. Thankfully, I went in to my doctor and there was my little girl's heartbeat going strong. But it really shook me, because I realized that I somehow have completely invested myself in this baby. And it also made me trust even less in my instincts--I didn't realize something was wrong with Kayla, yet I was sure something was wrong yesterday.
After Kayla died I swore to myself that next time I wasn't going to get so involved in being pregnant. I was just going to go about my daily life and oh yeah, happen to be pregnant. But I wasn't going to let myself fall completely in love, or dream about the future, or buy baby things or be happy. I was just going to ignore being pregnant and let myself be happy if and when I had a living baby. But of course that's not possible. Even though I"m scared, cautious, and sometimes pessimistic, I want this baby. I want THIS baby. I want Kayla too. I want both of them, here with me. That's never going to happen, but I feel like I have so far to fall again if the worst were to happen. And it scares me. I try to have faith, but I know that having faith doesn't mean that things will work out how I want them to.
**On Sunday I did our taxes. Besides just being awful in general, there were several moments that were rough. Not being able to check the "had a baby" box for 2011. But I did have a baby. Just not one that counted to the government. Also, I had to go back through every bank statement for the whole year to add up payments from some contracting jobs. It amazed me how I could remember so much just from when and where I had spent money. The gas we bought in the middle of Missouri while driving home from out baby shower in Illinois. Kayla's changing table that we ordered the day before she died. The barbecue restaurant the night before we found out no heartbeat. All of the Starbucks and Whole Foods purchases made in June and July (for some reason I spent hundreds of dollars at Whole Foods while trying to process my grief). Seeing those purchases in black and white with a definite before and after of May 4th was just hard.
**I shared my pregnancy on face .book this weekend and also told all of my staff and many co-workers at work. I needed to share and everyone already suspected I was pregnant anyways, but it has also brought on many comments. Most of them well-meaning, but I just don't want any extra attention directed my way. There are different groups of people--a few who have said things like "just wait, you will be so tired here in a few more weeks" or otherwise implying that I haven't been pregnant before. This type of person also constantly shares about her previous pregnancies and just overshares in general. They are annoying but tolerable. The other group is the women who suddenly are welcoming me back into the mom's club, already wanting to talk to me about daycare or pediatricians, etc. They are too overwhelming for me--I can't plan that far into the future! Then there are the people who say just the right thing, who offer their support and congratulations without being offensive, and I love that.
Oh that is so much! You are brave to post on FB. I generally hate that place and I think that is very brave.
ReplyDeleteAny kind of paperwork, taxes or otherwise, sends me into the looney bin. Something about having to check boxes and write things in permanent ink and discounting our babies and counting them simultaneously is so hard.
The scare just makes my skinn crawl and a lump into my throat. I'm so glad everything was okay. How do u not fall in love with a baby youre growing? I just don't think it is possible. That is probably a very good thing. Of course you want Kayla and her little sister. I wish you could. Sending a giant hug and hoping you get the loving support u need.
I had this thought the other day that when I was pregnant with Amelia I couldn't imagine how it would feel to have a stillborn. And then I did. And now with this new pregnancy, I can't even imagine it again, I don't want to go back there - as you say "its too far to fall".
ReplyDeleteBut all we can do is know we are more in tune and being looked after better and are more aware. I'm not even out of the first trimester and I can't help investing - I still want that future I imagine with a baby in my arms. I hope we both get it this time.
I've been thinking a lot about you lately. How are you doing with Kayla's angelversary soon approaching? I am completely falling apart at the seems. I am on high alert for reason's you know why; just waiting for something bad to happen. I pray for you and think of your family often. Sending you love and hugs.
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