Being pregnant again is really making me feel crazy. Now that I am again 100% invested in and LOVE this baby, my emotions are all over the place. Just yesterday I was feeling very positive. My husband and I talked about baby names, I bought a few things for her at a consignment sale, I felt lots of movement and even wrote in my journal how much it reassures me and it's the best feeling in the world.
Today, I woke up in a completely different state of mind. The doubt and the anxiety are getting the best of me today. I didn't feel any movement when I first woke up, which I usually feel a few little kicks. So I checked the heartbeat on the doppler and kind of heard it, but it seemed like she was hiding. Or dying. Today the kicks are not reassuring, instead they feel like distress signals, like each kick might be her last. Nothing has changed, everything is exactly as it was yesterday, except for my emotions.
I try to just remind myself that most babies don't die, most babies live. It is still way too early to be feeling consistent, trackable movement. Her heart is still beating, for today. I want this baby to come home with us more than anything, perhaps even more so than I wanted Kayla, because I always just assumed she was healthy and would come home, so I didn't have the same wanting and longing. It scares me to want something so much.
Oh yes, the roller coaster. It is amazing how positive you can be one day and how the change in you feelings and emotions can flip flop so quickly. It is a mantra for sure. Most babies live, most babies live, most babies live. I certainly took this for granted with Camille. I was so sure she would be coming hope. How do you stay positive when everything was fine last time until it just wasn't? Sending love.
ReplyDeleteI love to think about baby names and I am not even pregnant again. I cannot imagine how conflicted I will feel if I am ever lucky enough to be pregnant again, so my only advice would be to ride this wave and try to enjoy as much of it as you can. I would love to hear your list of potential names!
ReplyDeleteI'm not by any means where you are, but I can so empathise with the roller coaster of emotions. I detest actual roller coasters - I consciously choose not to ride them because I can't even bare the idea of how they would make me feel. Yet here we all are - riding the roller coaster of life with very limited choices in the matter.
ReplyDeleteRoller coaster is an understatement. When investments reach their peak you start to feel the grief knocking on the door. Remember Kayla is by your side through this whole pregnancy. Sending you love and warm thoughts.
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