I'm home on spring break this week. Too much time to think. I thought I wanted long days with nothing to do but rest, read, walk the dog, be refreshed. But now, they feel too much like those long days I stayed home after I had Kayla. My husband often works 14 hour days, so I'm alone. Everyone else I know that I would call to meet up is also at work. In those first confusing weeks, my grief engulfed me and whole days slipped by without me moving from my computer or the couch. It's not like that now, but just being at home with "nothing" to do isn't as comforting as I thought it would be. Keeping really busy seems to be key for me these days, to ward off the stress of this subsequent pregnancy and all it's uncertainties.
My sister's baby shower was not as horrific as I imagined it would be when I first learned she was pregnant back in September. My grief is not as raw now, and her baby shower was not a loud, girly event with decorations and games. It was just a lunch at a restaurant with some of our family and a few friends. By the end of the weekend I was exhausted from trying to hold back my sad emotions (more for my sake than anything else). That anticipation my sister is feeling as she prepares to meet her twin girls any day now is so perfectly innocent it makes me cry. I want that innocence back, but know that it will always be beyond my reach.
I think about that innocence all the time. Something I want back so desperately! Just to be able to blissfully enjoy a pregnancy again will never be. Not for moms like us that have lived the "impossible".
ReplyDeleteSpring Break already! I have mine after next week. I too will try to keep myself busy with things to do during that time. But maybe the weather will be nice enough here that I can spend picnic's by Sam's "wall.
Rachel, you know I'm just an email away if time is too stagnant for you. :-)
I'm the same way about being home when my husband is at work--I have to keep myself busy busy busy or I just mope or get myself freaked out and scared.
ReplyDeleteI had a friend ask if I'd help her sew curtains for her nursery. She's due three weeks after I am. I said no. I told her I'm glad she's confident, but I can't live in that land of certainty. She was very understanding, and kept apologizing for even asking me. But I was mostly envious of her absolute confidence that 20 weeks pregnant is the time to start nursery decorating. Sigh.
Oh, pregnancy innocence - I remember when we had it, but now I feel no connection to it other than a kind of fascination, like observing a totally foreign culture.
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