crisis

In my pregnancy with Kayla, I had very vivid "crisis" dreams where I had to problem-solve and fix a tough situation. They're back, and this time they feel even more real. 

Since the small fire at my school last month, I have been reviewing safety procedures with my staff and students, and also realizing how vulnerable our building is.  We are an elementary school (K-6th) but we are an "urban/inner city" school.  I know most of the parents and genuinely like and trust them, but that doesn't mean that we are not at risk for neighborhood violence or a school attack.  In one dream, a gun-man comes into our school while I am in the front office and I have no way of warning anyone else in the building because I am either hiding or shot. 

Now with all of the tornadoes happening in the Mid-West, my mind goes into overdrive, convinced that today will be the day a tornado will destroy my house, kill my dog, terrorize my community.  I make detailed action plans in my head as to what I will do when this happens, how I will react. 

And then, in the deepest point of sleep, my mind goes there--to the crisis that I've lived through, the one that is real.  My baby dies.  My dreams replay the moments over and over, making them real again.  I wake up crying and confused.  Is this real?  Did my baby die?  Is this baby going to die?  I can't control it, just like I can't predict or control what the next crisis will be.  It's a helpless, scary feeling.