still alive!

17 weeks

My ultrasound yesterday was of course the focus of my day.  I decided not to go into work beforehand, even though my appointment wasn't until 11:15, so I had plenty of time to be nervous, cry, check the heartbeat with my doppler, and eventually calm down so I could pick my husband up from work and drive to the doctor's.

We had to wait for an excruciating 40 minutes because they were running behind.  My husband, calm as ever, took a little nap in the waiting room.  I played angry birds on my phone to try to distract myself.

Finally we got called back.  The same ultrasound tech who has been with me this whole pregnancy, so she knows how nervous I get.  She may be the same one who told me Kayla died as well, I can't remember her face from that day, and I haven't asked her.  The lady from that day is a monster in my memory, searching and searching until she had to say "I'm not seeing a heartbeat." This lady is nice, and explains everything to me, and always shows me the heartbeat first.  So in my mind, even if they are the same person, they are not the same. 

But our 17 week baby is looking good, moving all over and with a strong heartbeat.  Because she's still little and was moving too much with legs closed, the tech couldn't give us a 100% confirmation on whether it's a boy or a girl.  But, she's 75% sure it's another girl!  For now, I'm taking that as GIRL and if later we find out it's a boy, we will deal with that.  I didn't realize how relieved I would be to know one way or the other and it just feels right that it's another girl. We go back in 3 weeks for an ultrasound with the high risk doctor so we will confirm then.

It was an emotional day and I think I'm still processing.  I do know that I feel much more connected to this baby than I did a few days ago.  That scares me, because what if we lose her too?  People who have never experienced loss like this can easily brush that concern aside.  But I cannot forget that at Kayla's 18-week ultrasound, everything looked normal and perfect, too.  Every appointment was "easy" and everyone thought our baby was healthy.  You can't convince me that it won't happen again, so please don't try.  But the possibility of having a living baby this time is one of the most happy, hopeful thoughts I can have, so I'm trying to let that carry me through the tough moments.