I'm kind of stuck in a holding pattern right now--waiting to see if I'll get pregnant or not, waking up every morning not sure if I'll be sad and grouchy or hopeful and content. Overall, I've been feeling pretty stable lately, which I guess is good.
But I've also been feeling my loss of course. Last Sunday I visited newborn Julie and held her for about twenty minutes. Now that I've been around her more, I am acutely aware of exactly what I missed out on and will forever miss out on--raising my child. It really does hurt. Not that I wasn't aware before, but I was missing being pregnant and all of the hopes and dreams I had. After holding Julie, I am missing all of the moments and future with a live, growing baby.
The other thing that happened that I am still processing is that my mom emailed me and said her and my dad would be willing to help me pay for counseling/therapy and that she thinks it would be good for me to talk to someone. We had just had a phone conversation where I had mentioned that I had contacted a grief counselor a few months ago but she doesn't take insurance and costs $100 an hour. I know my mom wants to do any possible thing in her control to help me. The days they were here after Kayla died my parents bought us a new vacuum, new sheets, restocked our pantry, and cleaned our whole house in an attempt to do SOMETHING. So I completely understand where she is coming from. But it still really stung to get that email. Does the outside world think I am crazy? Do they think talking to a grief counselor is going to "fix me?" I know my jealousy was working it's magic, but it felt like now that my sister is pregnant I need to hurry up and "get better." That wasn't my mom's intention, but as more time goes by it becomes more and more clear that I can't expect people to understand this. Even people that I love.
I am not against therapy at all, and may contact the counselor again, but I definitely don't want my parents paying for it. I also don't think other people realize how consciously I am attacking my grief, all of the outlets I've found and the people I've connected with, those are my therapy right now.
I think blogging is such great therapy, but I would totally be up for going to real therapy if it wasn't so darn expensive!
ReplyDeleteI get why your mom's offer comes off a little offensive, but here's the deal. Your mom and dad have been able to "fix" things for you your whole life and now they are at a loss of how to help you. I am sure she knows therapy isn't a fix, but it's something that she can do that makes her feel a little less helpless...well that's my take on it anyways :) Everyone just wants to help so badly so this might actually help both of you. There is no fixing us, but any little help is something!
We pay $75 a session and it's money well spent. Right now, we can afford it, but if there comes a time when we can't, I will have no problem asking my mom to help out (as she has offered many times). Sometimes we go once every other week, sometimes once a month. All depends on where we are. It's nice to have a professional, neutral 3rd party person who is just there to help us heal.
ReplyDeleteI agree that people want us to "get better" already and want to do suggest all kinds of ways for that to happen. I think they just do not know what else to do as it's so very sad. The club that we are in is so very sad.