I don't really have anything to write, and that's how I can tell I'm still feeling down. When I can start writing is when I usually start processing things. So I'm going to write anyways. I am still feeling so negative about my sister being pregnant. And I know that's normal, and she and my mom seem to be worried about me. But I just need to retreat. I can't stand their sympathetic tones on their voicemails. I can just imagine family get-togethers where everyone is looking at me with that sickly-sweet sympathy and trying to be upbeat and positive around me. I'm not sure what I need from my family right now, but that's not it.
On the other hand, I am not going to be able to avoid my family for the next 9 months, and that's really not my intention anyways. I need them, and I'm scared of how our relationships will change with this added puzzle piece. I guess I have until October 14th to figure out how to deal with this emotionally, because I am going to Chicago for a wedding and staying with my sister for one night. I guess I can just fake it for awhile, I don't have to be suddenly "ok" with all of this.
But, I did still go to my girl's weekend on Saturday, and it was great. Two of my best friends from high school, and all we did was eat, shop, drink wine, and gossip. I am so grateful to have friends that are strong enough to support me through this. We did talk about Kayla and pregnancy but we also talked about silly things and their stresses and joys and we laughed and laughed about stupid things we did when we were young and innocent. It was just the right balance. And the one that hadn't seen Kayla's pictures asked to see them without me bringing it up, and they both used Kayla's name in regular conversation like she really existed. And I am just grateful. And crying now, but because it was just what I needed.
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