Another month

We made a last minute decision to come visit my parents this weekend.  So much for trying to keep some distance with my family.  It hasn't been that bad, just kind of overwhelming as there are a bunch of other little dramas going on in my family (isn't every family like that though?)  It is good to be with my mom though, without my sister.  My mom (and dad!) are still some of my biggest supporters. 

October.  Another month starting, almost 5 months since Kayla died.  I'm just sad today.  Also, my period started this morning--kind of ironic, ever since I was a teenager it seems like my period would come at the WORST times, like anytime I would go on a road trip, holidays, beach days, etc.  So, another month of trying to conceive with no results.  I am so discouraged today.  I am allowing myself today to just feel sorry for myself.  I think I need to take a big step back from being so focused on trying to get pregnant, but I am just not sure how to do that.  Every month that goes by I am feeling less confident in my ability to get pregnant and even more confused as to what my purpose is. Every month feels like there is something wrong with me, and I get mad all over again.  I already DID this--I already GOT pregnant and grew a baby and did everything RIGHT...where is my baby?   

In the car last night, my husband and I had 6 hours to talk while we were driving.  At one point we got into an argument.  I told him I had made an appointment with the grief therapist in two weeks (partially thanks to some of the comments from all of you who read this and other baby loss moms, I am going to try it and see if it helps me).  I asked him if he wanted to go with me and he said "no, I'm not crazy." I said "So, do you think I'M crazy?"  And he immediately said, "Well, if you're going to therapy you must be crazy."  I was horrified that he said that and burst into tears.  Later he denied that he said it but of course it was too late.  I am ultra aware of NOT being "crazy" and he is the one person that I NEED to always support me.  After we argued for awhile I realized he was just scared I was going to make him go with me (which I didn't even want in the first place, I just wanted to invite him in case he really wanted to go).  We are still grieving so differently but I told him I need our grief to intersect every once in awhile.  After quite a few tears and accusations from both of us, it ended up being a productive conversation. 

Another month begins...