When it rains, it pours. My sister is pregnant. She told me last night. It exhausts me.
Let me just insert here that I do not think that anyone I know in real life knows about this blog, but if they do, or if my sister reads this someday, I hope she knows how truly happy I am for her and that I will love my niece or nephew forever. But I started this blog for ME and I need to keep it about me right now.
It was a shock to me, and I'm sure she was nervous to tell me. I was able to get through the phone call awkwardly telling her congratulations and asking all the normal questions like how far along is she (6 weeks) and is she feeling ok. But inside, my heart was breaking. I want my baby! It's not fair. Why does everyone else get to have healthy pregnancies and babies and I can't? I spent the rest of the night feeling sorry for myself and crying to my husband, who luckily is being very supportive.
Between attending Julie's birth and hearing this news from my sister, I am just feeling exhausted and worn out. Just when I am feeling a little more comfortable with my grief and slightly more positive about my future, all of this happens and I just feel such a deep despair. I do know that it will pass. But today I'm just mad.
My instinct right now is to retreat. I don't want to answer phone calls from my family or go visit them next week. I don't want to celebrate the holidays with them this year, and I can't even think about throwing my sister a baby shower or being there during her labor. I just feel like I want to disappear for awhile. I'm hoping that will pass too, because I love my family and need them in my life right now.
I know I'm jealous, she is four years younger than me and I just want to have my baby right now. And I'm a little mad. Of course I can't expect my sister or anyone else to put their lives on hold while I grieve, but did she have to start trying RIGHT after my baby died? I do not see what the rush was. Her due date will be right around when Kayla was born and died, that doesn't seem fair to me. I am not sure if I should talk to her about these very real feelings I am having or just let it go, let her enjoy her pregnancy and deal with this in my own way. But I know I have to acknowledge these feelings or else I'll never be able to work past them.
I'm going away this weekend with two of my friends so hopefully I can talk to them about it, drink some wine (we are going to a wine festival!) and come back on Monday a little more equipped to be part of my family again.
You are way better of a person than I am. I straight up told my sister if she got pregnant before we got pregnant again I would never speak to her again.
ReplyDeleteYou are stuck between a rock and a hard place...timing is awful too! I will be thinking about you. It's so hard to feel happy for someone else when we are too sad about our own lives.
I feel your pain. It's so difficult to see others experiencing such joy and it just feels so unfair.
ReplyDeleteI have to say, I got away this weekend and had a little bit of wine myself and feel the escape was just what I needed. I hope your weekend did the same for you. I totally understand and feel your pain. It's so hard. Cut us a break already! Just remember that what you are feeling is honest and true and do not be mad or angry for feeling mad or angry. You have every right to feel what you feel and I think all of us BLMs would agree.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Rachel that you had to hear that from your sister. I hope this weekend brought you some comfort in knowing your feelings are not only okay but you are being honest. I think it is perfectly healthy to express these feelings. In fact, I think I would feel the same way. I have yet to talk with my cousin who had a baby 9 weeks after Sam was born silently. Not because I am mad at her but because I have such sad and jealous feelings towards her for getting to take her baby home. She is understanding of this and I am thankful for that. Hang in there, us BLM's have to stick together. We are hear to listen to your raw emotions any time. hugs, xo
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