This time last year I was getting ready for my first baby shower. Our house filled up with pink things and gift bags. I cleaned out my desk drawers at work in anticipation of my maternity leave. I was so impatient, counting down the weeks until I could meet my baby. I just saw somebody post something about "16 more days until 5 de mayo." That hit a nerve...Kayla's birthday is in 16 days! I thought I would want to plan a bunch of symbolic things for her, to remember her and celebrate her, but as it approaches I am just kind of frozen. My husband and I are going away together that weekend, so in some strange way I am looking forward to the weekend...until I remember WHY we are going away. To escape the pain of a one-year birthday with no one-year old.
I have been crying SO MUCH lately. I'm emotional about everything--being pregnant and excited, being pregnant and worried, being sad, being jealous and excited for my sister and her twins. It is so many different and conflicting emotions that are enter twined. I'm kind of an emotional mess. BUT, something that I am really proud of is that I hold it together in most situations. I am functioning at work, paying my bills, doing everything that needs to get done. Then I fall apart while doing laundry or getting my mail, but I do it alone. I cry for no reason, then I wipe my snot away and keep moving forward. That is really brave and I am patting myself on the back for that.
"This time last year I ..." I hear you. Loud and clear. Things should be so different.
ReplyDeleteHolding it together in most situations is the absolute best you can hope for. I don't think you are crying for no reason - everything is so overwhelming and crying is the only release. You are doing so well - hang in there.
You are doing a great job handling everything. I also take a certain amount of comfort in not having public breakdowns, so I really understand that. I just went through all of Elizabeth's one-year anniversaries while pregnant, and it was hard. Actually, the lead up was worse than the actual anniversaries. I am so glad I let go of my expectations of planning something public or perfect, and just huddled up with my husband and our memories instead. Good luck. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteYou are so very brave! I am proud of you - we all are! As someone who is a few days away from the one year mark, I can tell you that the tears keep flowing. I am trying to embrace them and not be ashamed of them. After all, in a way, they are all I have left of my little girl. Hugs to you, my friend.
ReplyDelete