My sister had her twins on Tuesday. They were early, at 35 weeks, but they are both doing pretty well. I am so happy for my sister and very grateful and glad that they are healthy. But, (there's always a "but" in relation to pregnancy and birth now) I am also jealous and sad for me. My sister gets to hold and love two breathing, living babies and all I can picture is holding my sweet, still baby. It's getting better, as these feeling tend to come quickly and then slowly fade away. It's just that Kayla will always be the missing piece from our family. So no matter how many children I have or how many grand-children my parents have, there will always be one missing.
I also feel like the stakes are higher now for this baby. You have to be born alive! I can't manage two dead babies. In some ways I do feel like I"m building up to a loss, because that is the 'norm' for me. Get pregnant, grow a baby, have a good pregnancy, and.... then what? As much as I can't imagine this baby dying too, it is equally hard for me to imagine bringing a living baby home. Sure, I dream about it, but it's all abstract. Maybe I'm just going to be pregnant and plan for babies forever. (I realize I may sound crazy, which is why I"m sharing this here and not with anyone in real life, where co-workers and friends already dismiss any fears I express with a casual "oh, everything will be fine this time.")
I have a living daughter and I still feel the same way you do. I am preparing for a death not a living baby. It's what we know. We know what we need when a baby dies but when they live we (society) tells us what we need and gives us all the tools to survive. Not with a dead baby. I was just thinking this the other day. I was planning on what I need to bring to the hospital if I deliver a dead baby again. You know the things I wish I had for Sam; stuff to imprint the hands and feet, a homemade hat, outfit, 2 blankets (one for the baby and one for me), etc. Crazy shit! Not something moms usually think about. But...this is our life. Our reality.
ReplyDeleteSending you many hugs and love!
xo
Can you email me your address? I would like to send something. :-)
Same - I can't effectively picture any outcome right now. Just feels like I will keep on being pregnant for years and years. I mean, it's already been almost two years of pregnancy and no babies live in our house...
ReplyDeleteCongrats to your family on the new additions :) (even though I know it's impossible not to have complicated emotions about it)
I can't even imagine going through another baby dying, yet I can't even imagine having a living baby that is my own in my arms... impossibly tough.
ReplyDeleteThose feelings of jealousy I feel will always be there for me - a quick pang whenever I hear of a baby born. It's becoming more of a fleeting feeling but it will forever be my reaction to what was once such a blissfully exciting thing.