restless

Sometimes the kids at my school, mostly the pre-schoolers, will still ask me "Do you gotta baby in there?"  when they hug me.  I guess since they are eye-level with my belly.  Somewhere in their little memory they remembered that Ms. Rachel was going to have a baby.  It used to make me so sad, but lately I kind of like it.  Just for a second, we are both remembering Kayla, until they get distracted by something else. 
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Last night we went and saw the movie Corageous.  It is by the same people who made Fireproof, which my husband and I both really liked.  Well, we were REALLY unprepared for the fact that it has a death of a child in it.  Most of the movie was over-simplified and kind of cheesy, but I still liked it.  I cried for most of themovie, but it had a beautiful message.  I think my husband really connected with it since it is all about fatherhood too.  I have not seen him cry since the day Kayla died, but he had a few tears last night.
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Today I'm restless.  There are several things I want to do, and I love that I have the desire and the spark to go do things (take a walk, paint something, go to the park).  I really thought for awhile that I would always be consumed with losing Kayla.  And even though I still am consumed with her, I am starting to get to the point where I can be happy remembering her and doing these things that bring me comfort.
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I go to the grief counselor on Monday.  I hope I like her and that it will feel good to talk about everything.  Then next Sunday we are going to a remembrance service at our hospital.  I am actually looking forward to that, I'm not sure why.  I know it will be hard to be back at the hospital but my desire to connect to other families outweighs that fear right now. 
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On Friday, I fly to Chicago for about 30 hours to attend a wedding.  I have a lot of anxiety about the whole weekend.  My husband isn't going.  Will anyone ask where my baby is?  (lots of casual friends will be there so I'm prepared for some people to not know) Will I be sad the whole weekend?  We had already planned that my parents would come with us to this wedding and watch the baby back in our old lives.  Will I still look pregnant in my dress?  I am not confident about my body at all, and I hate it.  I am also planning on seeing my sister too since she is the one picking me up from the airport.  Can I act normally around her?  Can I avoid crying too much? I really just want to be able to put all of these anxieties aside and have a good time.  Easier said than done.  I do plan on drinking some champagne and laughing and talking with my best friends, so that is what I want to focus on.  I'm sure I"ll need to write about it all afterwards though.