That smell. It's kind of musty, the smell of a rental house. It's not necessarily a nice smell, it begs for a breeze, for an open window to let in some fresh air. But for me, it's the smell of hope, of planning, of little baby clothes, of a closet full of boxed up dreams. When I was pregnant I would go into our second bedroom and imagine standing in there with my baby, nursing or cuddling. I imagined long nights and staring out the window onto our back patio. Eventually I started slowly decorating, mostly just storing baby stuff in there until after our baby shower(s).
Now, we have successfully turned Kayla's room into a guest room/storage room. We still keep the door closed so our dog doesn't go in there. So sometimes, when I need something that's in there, I walk in and catch a blast of that smell, the smell that somehow is the only smell I can connect to my baby and it's musty and it reminds me so strongly of how I thought this year was going to go. And it hits me, like it just did today, almost six months later---the smell of a baby on the way (except that's not true anymore). And I'll open the closet and see our suitcases and extra paper towels and winter clothes all mixed together with an unused stroller (no way to neatly hide that!), a nursing pillow, and clear tubs that are stuffed full of the things that I just could not let go of so quickly when I cleaned out her room the week after she died. And it just doesn't make sense, to see all our normal stuff so mixed up with baby stuff. We don't have a baby.
We keep Addi's room open (with a baby gate to keep the dogs out). I was noticing yesterday how dusty the dresser was...nothing happens in there and there is dust and stiffness in the air.
ReplyDeleteSucks that these special rooms aren't being used the way they should be.
Allie's room is now a guest room, too. My college roommate came to visit a few months ago and almost did not sleep there as it was too painful for her. I want so desperately to use that room again for something other than storage and sheets and towels. Here's wishing one day we can. I agree, it's hard to see the baby stuff mixed in with our stuff. We, too, do not have a baby. :(
ReplyDeleteI have troubles even walking to that end of the hallway. Although, there are times that I try to find a reason to go in there, then I chicken out. I have a really hard time even thinking about putting Sam's stuff away; makes me have feelings I would rather not experience right now. I know his bedroom door can't stay closed for ever, but for now that's how it will stay. His clothes still scattered in his crib, diapers and wipes awaiting his warm body, books waiting to be read, and a empty, still rocker. To me they are reminders of his existence.
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