My sister had her first ultrasound today. Everything looks good so far, she is 9 weeks. I realized that the only thing worse than having to talk to her about her pregnancy is NOT KNOWING and being kept in the dark about her pregnancy. So we are talking, I ask her simple questions, she is being sensitive and not bringing it up unless I ask. For the most part everything is ok. But it hurts me so, so much. If I think about it too much, it makes me so sad. I know I'm actually just sad that I don't have Kayla here with me, but it doesn't stop the jealousy and bitterness.
Tomorrow I leave for the wedding. I am upset my husband isn't going with me, even though I was ok with it a few weeks ago. I was trying to explain my fears to my best friend who will be at the wedding too, about how I'm scared someone will ask me where my baby is, or if I'm pregnant, or when we're going to start having kids. She didn't understand, but I know she'll be there for me if I need her.
This weekend seems like a big deal because it's been on my calendar for over a year. First we thought we'd be taking Kayla to the wedding, showing her off to all of our friends. Then, after she died, I was sure that I would be pregnant by now, maybe even far enough along to share the news with my close friends. I am continually learning to scale back my expectations, to accept what is happening in this moment instead of what my mind can dream up.
I'm so sorry about the loss of Kayla. I also can relate to your comment about scaling back your expectations--I am still trying to learn that lesson. I try not to look too far ahead at all, because so far I've blown through too many artificial goals and deadlines. One day at a time is enough sometimes, but making that adjustment is not easy (especially because I used to believe everything would work out the way I wanted to).
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